Chapter 1

CHARLIE MORPHS INTO A MAMMOTH

CHAPTER 1 Charlie McGuffin was late again. And he really couldn't be late this time or he was a dead man. And what was Charlie McGuffin late for? That's an excellent question, dear reader. You all seem like a clever bunch, not like that dreadful crowd who read the last two books. They were awful. I think you guys are going to be my favourite readers so far– I can feel it in my bones. So, in answer to your question: Charlie McGuffin couldn't be late for his school trip or he was a dead man. And where was the school trip to? Another great question, you clever reader! Well done! The school trip was to the local zoo. And was he actually going to be dead if he was late?

No! Of course he wasn't! Now that was a silly question. I meant he'd just be in quite a lot of trouble. You know, we got off to a good start, reader, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. So, to be clear– Charlie McGuffin couldn't be late for his school trip or he was a dead (not actually dead) man. Oh, come ON. What is wrong with you? What do you mean, 'Is Charlie a man?' No! I know I said he was a 'dead man' but that was just a phrase. He's obviously a boy. There's even a picture of him on the cover of the book! I take back everything I said earlier. You're every bit as dreadful as the readers of the last book. Possibly worse. I should have learned by now– I only ever get disappointed by readers. I suggest you run into the bathroom, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror (if you can bear to) and then repeat three times, 'I'm a massive bum-faced wazzock'. Meanwhile, I'm going to have to start all over again and I want NO QUESTIONS this time from you people.

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CHAPTER 1 Charlie McGuffin was late again. And he really couldn't be late this time, or he was a deadfn1 man.fn2 Charlie had eighteen minutes to get to school if he didn't want to miss the coach which was due to leave at precisely 9 a.m. to take his whole year to the zoo. Miss Fyre, the headmistress, had given them all a warning in assembly the day before: anyone who missed the bus would spend the whole day scrubbing the teachers' toilets with the caretaker, Mr O'Dear. Charlie hoovered up his corn flakes,fn3 flung on his coat and jumped into his shoes,fn4 trying to ignore the sound of his parents arguing again. He flew out of the door,fn5 hopped onto his trusty bike and started pedalling. That was when disaster struck.

His front wheel immediately started making an odd clicking noise and began to deflate. Charlie groaned. He couldn't have a puncture. But a puncture it was. Dug deep into the tyre were four drawing pins. Four? How had that happened? Charlie looked down at the pavement and saw at least twenty more pins scattered all over the ground. Somebody must have accidentally dropped a box and not picked them up, Charlie thought, without a hint of suspicion, which he really should have had, considering this is the start of the book and suspicious goings-on always happen at the start of books. Well, that's just really bad luck, Charlie thought. No one would put drawing pins on the pavement outside my house on purpose. Anyway, there was nothing he could do about it now. He was definitely going to be late and miss the school trip. Unless… Unless…