The End

THE END So, there you go. That's it. The end. The finish line. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. A lot more actually, because to be honest, writing it was a pretty dreadful experience. My fingers still have blisters. So. Questions? Q: Charlie, nine years old, asks: 'My name is Charlie and I am also nine years old. Is this book about me?' A: Do you turn into animals, Charlie? No? Exactly. Well, the book isn't about you then. Obviously. Q: Josh, nine, from Whitstable asks: 'If this book was so miserable to write, why did you bother doing it? And it's not even a particularly long book. It's only just over 27,500 words. That's not long for a book.

The Harry Potter series is over a million words. That's over thirty-five times as long as your book.' A: Oh, marvellous, it's Josh from Whitstable again. Didn't you ask enough questions last time? Well, to answer your question, yes, the Harry Potter series is forty times longer than this book, but you know what? It's not the quantity of words that matters. It's the quality. And I like to think that one word in this book is equal to about forty words from J. K. Rowling waffling on about Professor Bumblebore and Severus Snooze, right? RIGHT? Q: Bethany, aged two, from A Couple of Houses Down the Road asks: 'Why did you have to make Dylan so mean?' A: Let me tell you something, Bethany: I didn't make Dylan mean. Life made him mean. Dylan has had a tough time and, deep down, he's really unhappy. And most angry or unpleasant people are almost always, deep down, very unhappy. Q: Emily, ten, from Frimpton-on-Sea asks: 'Is there a deeper meaning to this book? Exactly what important message are you trying to give the reader? Because if you don't have a deeper meaning, then is this just a silly story about a boy who turns into animals?'

A: Thank you for the question, Emily. Q: Emily, ten, from Frimpton-on-Sea asks: 'Are you trying to avoid the question? You DO have a deep and important message behind the book, don't you?' A: Of course I'm not avoiding the question. And of COURSE I have a deep message in the book. And the message is… the message is… Ooh! Look! Behind you! There's a big flying thing! Oh, you just missed it. It's gone now. Never mind. Anyway, what were we talking about? Next question, please. Q: Nathaniella Warglefloom, sixty-seven, from Banjax-on-Thames asks: 'I noticed that a previous questioner, "Bethany", was only two years old. That can't be right. Are you just making all these people up? Are the questions even real?' A: What is real, Nathaniella? Are you real? Am I real? Does it actually matter what's real and what isn't? Q: Charlie, nine years old, asks: 'You actually didn't let me answer your question. You just answered for me. In answer to your question, yes, actually, I do turn into animals. And my surname is McGuffin. And my best friends are Wogan, Mohsen and Flora.

This book is clearly based on my life. And I did not give you permission to turn my life story into a poorly written book. I have sought legal advice and I will see you in court.' A: This is a question-and-answer session, Charlie. You just gave a series of statements there and no question. And I have ALSO sought legal advice. Unfortunately they have told me to stop writing immediately. There would have been loads more in this book, loads of stuff that would have been way better. But I am now not allowed to write any more. Big shame. You've spoiled everybody's fun, Charlie McGuffin. I hope you're happy.