Chapter 6

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Saturday– a week later Dad has put up the bird table. It is in Agung's bit of the garden at the back where he grows his veg. It is so luminous that astronauts can probably see it from the International Space Station without the aid of a telescope. During breakfast, we heard a commotion. We looked out of the kitchen window to see FUZZFACE jumping up at the sparrows feeding on the table. Dad went outside to go and stop her but was too late. FUZZFACE leaped on the roof and teetered for a second before toppling the whole thing over. Agung cried 'NOOOOO!' as it landed in a whirlwind of feathers and leaves. Agung's eyesight was suddenly crystal clear when he

saw his polytunnel being flattened. Dad said the table had to go as he couldn't allow our savage of a cat to use it as a death trap for birds. Dad is an environmentalist. He doesn't even like it when Mam rinses spiders down the plughole. Good job he's never around to see how EVIL TWINS treat wildlife! I couldn't hide at Dev's this weekend because his family were away visiting relatives. I was given the job of feeding the Sharmas' dog Graham while they were out. Dad was with Agung at the Chans' and Jack was at book club, which meant that me and Oli were stuck in the house with EVIL TWINS for four hours. HIDEOUS!

I hardly recognised them when they arrived. Usually they look as if they've crawled out of a sewer. Today they were dressed in their best clothes and their hair was combed into neat side partings. You could easily have been fooled into thinking they were innocent, angelic choir boys, but I saw through their disguise! They were going to a birthday party straight after ours. Mr Tatlock asked if we could keep them looking smart until he came back to collect them. He might as well have asked if we could make tea in a chocolate teapot.

Mam tried to think of something they could do that wouldn't end up in scraping gunk off the furniture. While she went to fetch the building bricks from the living room Oli started crying because Tod shoved his Luke Skywalker action figure down the toilet. Mam got her washing up gloves on and tried to remove him, but Luke was wedged tight. She pulled too hard on his arm and his hand snapped off, which made Oli cry even more. To calm him down,

Mam told him she would replace it with the latest model which has realistic suede hair and moving eyes. This cheered him up no end. Ted came to the door and had a good gawp at what was going on– so evil. Mam was worried that the toilet would be blocked so she told me and Oli to take the twins into the living room and keep them there until she'd fixed the problem. I ushered the twins into the living room and randomly pressed buttons on the telly