Chapter 3

Monday Mam made pancakes for breakfast. I thought it was a special occasion but I couldn't think what it was. It wasn't my parents' anniversary, as Dad normally buys Mam an expensive bunch of flowers. Not because he is kind, generous and thoughtful, but because his mate at work's wife is a florist and can do him a good deal.

It was nobody's birthday either. It couldn't have been FUZZFACE's or Hulk's. FUZZFACE was a stray that turned up in our hallway two years ago. Nobody ever claimed her. I am not surprised, she is out of control! Hulk is the ancient-looking school guinea pig that Oli is currently looking after. Despite his name, Hulk is not threatening in the least. He is the size of bellybutton fluff and could probably blow away in the wind. He used to live in a hutch in the classroom, but because of his nervous disposition he couldn't stand the screaming kids and his fur fell out. None of the other kids would go near him after that because he looked so weird. But Oli thought he resembled a Star Wars character called Babu Frik, so on that basis he volunteered to take him home.

It didn't matter what the occasion was, I was just looking forward to something other than cheapo, own brand Ricicle Krisps. Mam is going through a healthy-eating phase so she made the pancakes sugar-, gluten- and dairy-free. The excitement soon wore off when she told me that. I noticed Agung was using one of them as a tea coaster. He has a problem with coasters. And to be honest, it was probably the best use for it anyway.

'Thought you might need cheering up,' said Mam. Pancakes that weren't sugar-, gluten- and dairy-free would have done the trick. 'You've been a bit glum lately, everything all right?' she added. I lifted my chin off the table and sighed. 'It's just... I'M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING!' I blurted. 'Everyone except me has got something in the trophy cabinet. I'M A TOTAL LOSER.' Mam laughed as if I was making a big fuss over nothing. How would she like it if her highest achievement in life was winning a ridiculous party game?

'Don't be silly, you're clever at loads of things!' she said, all high-pitched. 'Like what?' I said, taking a slug of orange juice and spilling it all down my jumper. 'Well er, there's er...' 'ARMPIT FARTS!' shouted Oli. 'Shoving peanuts up your nose,' Jack added. The world is a sad place when you have to live with brothers as immature as mine. 'You two, shut your traps!' said Mam, giving them the concrete-cracking glare.

She raised her eyebrows at Dad in a strange up and down way. I could almost hear the cogs grinding in his head as he thought long and hard of something. 'Oh, there was that time you won the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game!' he said. Agung burped loudly. 'My thoughts exactly,' I commented back. He chuckled and said something in Chinese. The conversation came to an abrupt end after that. It was probably for the best as we would have been sitting there until nightfall thinking about what I was good at.