Chapter 1

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Saturday UGH. Weekends are officially ruined. Mam was only meant to childmind the Tatlocks' twins during the week, but now they are coming on Saturdays too! Yesterday while I was at school, they sneaked into my

room and painted a stegosaurus on the wall with ketchup. Then they wiped their dirty hands all over my favourite Kermit T-shirt. How can three-and-a-half year olds be so evil? Dad thought I was overreacting when I asked for a lock on my door. Just wait until they smear goo all over his pristine magnolia walls, we'll see who is crying then! I planned a trip to the shop with Dev so I didn't have to be in when Ted and Tod (AKA EVIL TWINS) arrived. Dev is my best mate. We're both eleven but bonded at infant school after discovering our shared love of armpit farts. We were about to leave the house when Mr Tatlock came walking down the path with EVIL TWINS. He gave Mam a bag of toys, said thanks and left.

When me and Dev went to leave, Mam said, 'And where do you think you're going?!' I said, 'To buy snacks.' 'No, you're not,' she said, 'the pipe's just burst under the sink and water's going everywhere, so you're looking after the twins while I fix it.' WHAAAT?!

But I wasn't qualified to be in charge of these... mini thugs! I've seen them smash ladybirds in with a hammer. Imagine what they could do to me. Dev said he didn't mind helping. He thinks the twins are 'entertaining'. He would. He goes to drama club where everybody loves a scene. I was about to argue back, but Mam was giving me that glare that can crack concrete a mile off, so I thought better of it. (She goes boxing at the gym and is hard as nails). We took the twins into the back garden where Tod immediately picked up a plant pot and smashed it on the ground to smithereens. BRILLIANT. I grabbed them both and shoved them on their tricycles while we swept up the mess.

The next thing we heard was Mr Pike shouting next door. We turned round and Ted was trying to chuck our cat over his fence. Mr Pike is a GRUMPY CODGER with a 'face like a chewed toffee' (Dad's words, not mine). He hates FUZZFACE and has threatened to take the law into his own hands if she ever uses his alpine rockery as a litter tray again.