Chapter 1

Saturday UGH. Weekends are officially ruined. Mam was only meant to childmind the Tatlocks' twins during the week, but now they are coming on Saturdays too! Yesterday while I was at school, they sneaked into my

周六啊。周末正式被毁了。 妈妈本来只打算在工作日照顾塔洛克家的双胞胎，但现在他们也要在周六来！昨天我在学校的时候，他们溜进了我的

room and painted a stegosaurus on the wall with ketchup. Then they wiped their dirty hands all over my favourite Kermit T-shirt. How can three-and-a-half year olds be so evil? Dad thought I was overreacting when I asked for a lock on my door. Just wait until they smear goo all over his pristine magnolia walls, we'll see who is crying then! I planned a trip to the shop with Dev so I didn't have to be in when Ted and Tod (AKA EVIL TWINS) arrived. Dev is my best mate. We're both eleven but bonded at infant school after discovering our shared love of armpit farts. We were about to leave the house when Mr Tatlock came walking down the path with EVIL TWINS. He gave Mam a bag of toys, said thanks and left.

然后用番茄酱在墙上画了一只剑龙。 然后他们把脏手擦在我最喜欢的Kermit t恤上。 三岁半的孩子怎么会这么邪恶？ 当我要求给我的门上锁时，爸爸认为我反应过度了。 等他们在他的玉兰墙壁上涂满黏液，我们就知道谁会哭了！我计划和戴夫一起去商店，这样泰德和托德（又名邪恶双胞胎）来的时候我就不用在家了。 戴夫是我最好的朋友。我们都是11岁，但在幼儿园发现我们都喜欢腋窝放屁后，我们就在一起了。 我们正要离开房子时，塔特洛克先生带着“邪恶双胞胎”沿着小路走过来。 他给了妈妈一袋玩具，说了声谢谢就走了。

When me and Dev went to leave, Mam said, 'And where do you think you're going?!' I said, 'To buy snacks.' 'No, you're not,' she said, 'the pipe's just burst under the sink and water's going everywhere, so you're looking after the twins while I fix it.' WHAAAT?!

当我和戴夫要离开的时候，妈妈说：“你想去哪里？！”我说，‘去买零食。“不，你不能去，”她说，“水槽下面的水管刚刚破裂了，水到处流，所以我来修水管的时候，你来照看双胞胎。”WHAAAT ? !

But I wasn't qualified to be in charge of these... mini thugs! I've seen them smash ladybirds in with a hammer. Imagine what they could do to me. Dev said he didn't mind helping. He thinks the twins are 'entertaining'. He would. He goes to drama club where everybody loves a scene. I was about to argue back, but Mam was giving me that glare that can crack concrete a mile off, so I thought better of it. (She goes boxing at the gym and is hard as nails). We took the twins into the back garden where Tod immediately picked up a plant pot and smashed it on the ground to smithereens. BRILLIANT. I grabbed them both and shoved them on their tricycles while we swept up the mess.

但我没有资格负责这些…… 迷你暴徒!我见过他们用锤子砸瓢虫。 想象一下他们会对我做什么。 戴夫说他不介意帮忙。 他认为这对双胞胎很“有趣”。 他会。他去戏剧社，那里每个人都喜欢看戏。 我刚想反驳，但妈妈瞪着我的目光足以把一英里外的混凝土震裂，所以我改了主意。 （她去健身房练拳击，身体结实得像钉子一样）。 我们把这对双胞胎带到后花园，托德马上拿起一个花盆，把它摔得粉碎。 辉煌。我抓住他们俩，把他们推到三轮车上，我们一边收拾残局。

The next thing we heard was Mr Pike shouting next door. We turned round and Ted was trying to chuck our cat over his fence. Mr Pike is a GRUMPY CODGER with a 'face like a chewed toffee' (Dad's words, not mine). He hates FUZZFACE and has threatened to take the law into his own hands if she ever uses his alpine rockery as a litter tray again.

接下来我们听到的是派克先生在隔壁大喊大叫。 我们转过身来，泰德正试图把我们的猫扔过他的栅栏。 派克先生是一个脾气暴躁的怪人，“脸像嚼过的太妃糖”（爸爸的话，不是我的）。 他讨厌FUZZFACE，并威胁说，如果她再把他的高山假山当作垃圾托盘，他就自己动手。