7. The Toast Club

7 The Toast Club My name is A.J., and I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that computers are so much smarter than human beings. Because that is what I am thinking about. Computers can store unlimited gigabytes of data. But the tiny, pathetic human peabrain can only store a fraction of that. And the peabrain forgets most of it

anyway.* I was thinking about such things, and you will never believe who slammed her head against the door at that moment. Nobody! Why would a human being slam their head against a door? You could ruin a perfectly good door with your rock- hard but useless peabrain skull. But you will never believe who walked through the doorway at that moment. It was Mrs. Marge, the human female who is in charge of extracurricular activities at Ella Mentry School! "Welcome to the Toast Club," she announced in her human voice. "Wait a minute," said the annoying human child Andrea Young. "I signed up for the Butterfly Lovers Club." "Me too," said her friend Emily, who has no mind of her own.

"I am sorry," said Mrs. Marge. "Not enough human children signed up to be in the Butterfly Lovers Club. So I started the Toast Club instead." "But I want to learn about butterflies," said Andrea. "Why would you want to learn about butterflies," asked Mrs. Marge, "when you can learn about toast?" "Toast?" I asked. "What is there to

learn about toast?" "There are plenty of things to learn about toast," said Mrs. Marge. She informed us that bread was invented in ancient Egypt, but toast dates back to the Greeks. "They used toast to praise their gods in hopes for good health," said Mrs. Marge. "The word 'toast' comes from the Latin word 'tostum,' which means 'to burn,' and blah blah blah blah the toaster was invented in blah blah blah blah and the toaster oven first appeared in blah blah blah blah..." She went on and on talking about the history of toast. "We can make toast with any kind of bread," said Mrs. Marge. "White bread. Rye bread. Whole wheat bread. Gluten-free bread blah blah blah blah pumpernickel bread blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." She named every kind of bread that

exists. What a festival of snooze! It was the most boring half hour in the history of the world. "Wow, toast is fascinating!" said Andrea, who was taking notes in a notebook so that if anybody ever mentions toast she can tell them something they do not know. "I agree," said Emily. "I had no idea that toast had such an interesting history." "Hey," said Ryan, who likes to eat inedible things. "How come when you drop a piece of toast on the floor, it always seems to land with the buttered-side down?" "That is an excellent question, Ryan," said Mrs. Marge. "I bet it is because the weight of the butter on one side of the toast pulls it toward the floor," I guessed. "Most people think that," said Mrs. Marge. "But the butter is spread evenly across the toast, so it really does not affect

how it lands. The toast lands buttered-side down because you drop it at an angle, and it only has the chance to turn halfway around by the time it hits the floor blah blah blah blah..." "Fascinating!" Andrea said as she wrote in her notebook. I wish that a truck full of buttered toast would fall on Andrea's head, but that is not likely to happen because trucks don't carry toast. Humans make toast at home, and they are constantly dropping it on the floor because they are clumsy oafs. We spent a hundred million minutes learning all about toast. Then Mrs. Marge put some pieces of bread into the toaster oven. We toasted them until they were golden brown. Then we spread butter and jam on top of them. "I would like to propose a toast," Mrs. Marge said as she picked up a piece of toast. "A toast... to toast." I picked up a piece of toast. Ryan