13. This Means War!

13 This Means War! "I have an idea!" said Miss Nichol. "We should put an electric fence 'round the garden!" Huh? An electric fence? "Yeah!' said Mr. Tony. "If an animal comes within range of an electric fence, it will get zapped with a thousand volts."

"That's a shocking idea," Ryan said. "I'm not sure if I approve of such violence," said Andrea. "What do you have against violins?" I asked her. "Not violins, Arlo! Violence!" I know the difference between violins and violence. I was just yanking Andrea's chain. "Where would we get an electric fence, anyway?" asked Neil. "From Rent-An-Electric Fence," I told him. "You can rent anything." We had worked really hard building the wooden fence. But we all helped Miss Nichol tear it down. Mr. Tony went to rent an electric fence. When he came back, he set it up and plugged it in with a long extension cord. Then we waited. There was electricity in the air. Really! After we put up the electric fence, there was electricity in the air. "This'll keep those varmints out of our garden," Miss Nichol said. But it didn't! The next morning, we went out to check the garden, and more of our veggies had bites taken out of them!

"Hmmm," all the grown-ups hmmmed as they looked at what was left of our garden. "They got through the wooden fence," said Mr. Tony.

"They flew over the electric fence," said Miss Banks. "We didn't see 'em on the video," said Miss Nichol. "They might've tunneled under the fences." "Hmmm..." Miss Nichol snapped her fingers. "Bugs!" she shouted. "I shoulda thoughta that from the get-go! Bugs and slugs and other little critters must be eating our veggies!" Of course! It seemed so obvious. "It could be earwigs," said Mr. Tony. Earwigs? That didn't make any sense. Why would anybody put a wig on their ear? "We should spray the garden with bug spray," said Michael. "And eat veggies with bug spray in 'em?" said Miss Nichol. "No way. Nah, we need to outsmart the critters." She snapped her fingers. Every time I thought Miss Nichol was going to give up, she didn't. Whenever something failed, she just became more determined. "Bug traps!" Miss Nichol shouted.

She explained to us that bugs and slugs and earwigs are attracted to certain foods, like garlic and seaweed. If you put those things into little cups and place them around a garden, the critters will climb into the cups and get trapped in there. We went to the vomitorium and got garlic, vinegar, crushed eggshells, coffee grounds, and other stuff that Miss Nichol told us bugs like to eat. We found some little cups in the arts and farts room. "This means war!" Miss Nichol said, as she put the last bug trap down in the garden. "I'm gonna get those critters if it's the last thing I do."

You probably think this is the end of the story. You probably think the bug traps worked and everybody lived happily ever after. Well, the bug traps didn't work, and nobody was happy.* Nothing worked. No matter what we did, the bugs kept eating our veggies. This was the worst thing to happen since National Poetry Month. Miss Nichol sat down on the ground and put her head in her hands. "I'm worried about Miss Nichol," whispered Andrea. "The stress is getting to her. I think she needs to talk to somebody." Ugh. Andrea's mother is a psychologist, so Andrea thinks everybody needs to talk to somebody. It was all ridorkulous if you ask me. I can't believe bugs like to eat veggies so much. I hate veggies. I bet if we put junk food out there in the garden, the bugs would eat it and leave our veggies alone. I snapped my fingers. "I have an idea!" I said. "We should put Flamin' Hot Cheetos all over the garden! The bugs will eat them and leave the veggies alone!"