1. Pickles and Cucumbers

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1 Pickles and Cucumbers My name is A.J. and I hate vegetables. Why do I hate veggies? Because they grow in the dirt, of course! I'm not gonna eat something that grows in dirt. And you know what dirt is, don't you? It's worm poop! That's right. When worms go to the

bathroom, it becomes dirt.* The point is, it was Monday morning in Miss Banks's class. "Good morning, Miss Banks," everybody said when she walked into the room. "Oh, I'm not Miss Banks," she replied. "Miss Banks is out sick today. I'm her twin sister, Mrs. Banks." What? I didn't know Miss Banks had a twin sister. This was great news! If Miss Banks was out sick, her twin sister would be our sub. So we wouldn't have math. We wouldn't have social studies. We wouldn't have reading. This was the greatest day of my life! "Just kidding," said Miss Banks. "I don't have a sister. Time is fun when you're having flies!" She tricked us again! Miss Banks pulls lots of pranks. We pledged the allegiance and did Word of the Day. And you'll never believe who walked into the door at that moment. Nobody! Why would you walk into a door? You could break your nose. But you'll never believe who walked into the doorway.

I'm not gonna tell you. Okay, okay, I'll tell you. It was our principal, Mrs. Stoker. "Good morning, fourth graders," she said. "Say, do you know what kind of vegetable you get when an elephant walks through your garden?" "No," said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food. "Beats me," said Michael, who never ties his shoes. "I give up," said Andrea, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. "I give up too," said Emily, Andrea's crybaby friend who does everything Andrea does. "I have no clue," said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

"Me neither," said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time. "What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?"

"Squash!" shouted Mrs. Stoker. "Get it?" "We get it," everybody replied. Mrs. Stoker is a joker. "And do you know why the lettuce won the race?" she asked. "Because it was a head!" We all laughed. You should always laugh at the principal's jokes, even when they're not funny. That's the first rule of being a kid. "But seriously," said Mrs. Stoker. "I was in the cafeteria this morning, and I noticed that almost all the food we serve for lunch is full of preservatives and chemicals." "Yum!" I said, until I realized that was a bad thing. "I mean yuck." "So guess what we're going to do," said Mrs. Stoker. "Close down the vomitorium?" asked Neil. "No," replied Mrs. Stoker. "Get healthier preservatives and chemicals?" asked Ryan. "No." "Have pizza for lunch every day?" asked Alexia. "No," said Mrs. Stoker. "We're going to start our own vegetable garden!"