7. Being Frank with Dr. Brad

7 Being Frank with Dr. Brad The next day was Friday. After we pledged the allegiance, Mr. Cooper told us to turn to page twenty-three in our math books. That's when an announcement came over the loudspeaker. "Mr. Cooper, please send A.J. to Dr. Brad's office."

"Oooooooh!" everybody ooooooohed. I didn't want to go to Dr. Brad's office. One time, he hooked electrodes up to my head and gave me a lie detector test. But I didn't want to do math either. So I walked a million hundred miles down the hall to Dr. Brad's office. Dr. Brad looks like one of those mad scientists in the movies who strap people to a dentist chair and torture them. He said I should lie down on his couch. He took out a big magnifying glass and looked in my eyes. Then he looked in my ears. Then he looked in my mouth. Then he looked up my nose.* "Velly interesting," he said. Dr. Brad talks funny. "Eez anyzing bozering you, A.J.?" "No," I replied. "I'm fine." "Any problems you vant to tell me?"

"No." "A.J.," Dr. Brad said, "may I be frank viz you?" "Sure," I told him. "I don't care what you call yourself." "Do you know vut zuh vord 'paranoid' means, A.J.?" "Yeah," I said. "That's what you wear when you jump out of an airplane." "Ha-ha-ha," laughed Dr. Brad. "Most

amusing. Zat eez a parachute." "Oh," I said. "Paranoid is somebody who rides in an ambulance." "No, zat eez a paramedic." "I know," I said. "Isn't a paranoid one of those bugs that lives inside your body?" "Zat eez a parasite," said Dr. Brad. "Zuh vord 'paranoid' means ven you are alvays suspicious and don't trust anyvun." "Oh," I said, "that was my next guess." "A.J., I'm going to be frank," said Dr. Brad. "Okay," I said. "I'll be A.J." "I hear zat you have been telling zee ozzer keeds zat Mrs. Barr eez zum kind of criminal." "Yeah, I think she's an international jewel thief." "A.J., let me be frank," said Dr. Brad.

"I already said you could be Frank," I told him. "Mrs. Barr eez a velly nice voomahn," said Dr. Brad. "Eet eez zo kind of her to geeve her time to teach you keeds about geography." "Then why does she open the window every time she walks into a room?" I asked. "Maybe she wants to be able to escape in case the cops show up." Dr. Brad took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead. "A.J., let's be frank," he said. "Both of us?" I asked. "Won't that be confusing?" "Vut eef Mrs. Barr zimply vants zum fresh air? Maybe zat's vy she opens zuh vindow." "Or maybe she's a robber," I said. Dr. Brad took off his glasses again and rubbed his forehead some more. I guess he needs to moisturize, like Mr. Cooper.

"Go back to zuh classroom, A.J." "Okay, Frank," I said. "My name eez not Frank!" he shouted. Sheesh, what is his problem? He's the one who told me to call him Frank.