7. The Big FART

7 The Big FART Finally, it was F.A.R.T. day, and I wasn't stressed at all. By this point, we were all so relaxed, nothing could stress us out. "Namaste," Ms. Jo-Jo said when she came into our class. For the first time, she wasn't barefoot. "Ms. Jo-Jo!" Alexia said. "You're

wearing sandals!" "Yes, this is a special occasion," she told us. "Do you like them? They're made from recycled Himalayan dream catchers." "They're pretty!" said Andrea, who thinks everything girls wear is pretty. "Good luck on the F.A.R.T. today," said Ms. Jo-Jo. "I'm sure you kids are going to do great!" "We go with the flow, man," said Ryan. "It is what it is," said Alexia. "I'm so chill," said Neil, "I might fall asleep in the middle of the F.A.R.T." "Whatever," I said. That's when Dr. Carbles came in with Mr. Klutz. Dr. Carbles was rubbing his hands together. "These kids are going to fail big

time," he said excitedly, "and Ella Mentry School will be shut down forever!" "Oh, I think our students may surprise you," said Mr. Klutz. "They're totally relaxed and ready, thanks to Ms. Jo-Jo." We took out our number two pencils

and Dr. Carbles handed out the test sheets. The F.A.R.T. looked a lot like the practice test we had taken. The reading part was on one side and arithmetic was on the other side. We had ten minutes to finish both sides of the test. "On your mark... Get set... Go!" said Dr. Carbles. I looked at the first question. It was a story about a girl who doesn't know how to swim, so she takes swimming lessons. Then she's in a canoe that tips over and she saves her best friend's life. The question was: What is the lesson of the story? It was obvious. I wrote: Instead of going canoeing, she should take a turtle yoga class. I looked at the next question. It was a long paragraph about two kids who find a secret cave with a magic lamp and a genie in it. The kids argue over the three wishes

they should wish for. The question was: What is the main idea of the paragraph? Well, that was easy. I wrote: Who cares? Those kids should turn off their minds, relax, and float downstream. I looked at the next question. It was about a bunch of animals. The question was: How are frogs different from toads? How are alligators different from crocodiles? I wrote: Instead of talking about the differences between living creatures, we should talk about the ways we're all the same. I moved on to the next question: Look at this picture. What is going to happen next? I looked at the picture. It showed a family of bunnies frolicking in a field, with a hunter stalking them in the corner. I wrote: The bunnies are going to give each other foot massages and take a sound bath so they can feel their cosmic energy.

I answered a few more questions like that. Then I turned over the sheet to work on the math questions. The first one was: A pair of new shoes costs $50. How many pairs of shoes can Mary buy for $300? Simple! I wrote: None. Shoes are jail cells for the feet. I moved on to the next question: It takes 25 minutes to play your favorite video game. How many games can you play in 2 hours? Easy! I wrote: None. Instead of playing video games, from now on I'm going to spend