1. The FAR Test

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1 The FAR Test My name is A.J. and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should watch my mouth. "Watch your mouth, A.J.," my teacher Mr. Cooper is always telling me. I don't get it. Grown-ups are always telling me to watch my mouth. How can I

watch my mouth? It's right under my eyes. I can't watch it. I can't watch my ears, either, because they're over on the sides of my head. I tried to watch them, but they were too far away. I could watch my nose, but then I'd be cross-eyed. So basically, I can't watch any of the stuff on my face, unless I look in a mirror. The point is, I was at Ella Mentry School last week when the whole third grade got called down to the all-porpoise room. I don't know why they call it the all-porpoise room. There are no dolphins in there. So we lined up and walked a million hundred miles. When we finally got to the all-porpoise room, you'll never believe who was up on the stage.

It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education!*

He's a mean man who drives a tank to school. What is his problem? Dr. Carbles was standing next to our principal, Mr. Klutz, who has no hair at all. He used to have hair, but it fell out a long time ago. Nobody knows why. "Ten... hut!" shouted Dr. Carbles. Why was he counting huts? There weren't any huts in the all-porpoise room. What do huts have to do with anything? But everybody stood at attention, as if we were soldiers. "I have an announcement to make," Dr. Carbles shouted. "I called you in here to tell you blah blah blah blah one week from today all the students at Ella Mentry School will be taking a standardized test blah blah blah blah. You third graders will take the Fundamental Arithmetic/Reading Test."

Ugh, I hate standardized tests. A big groan spread across the all-porpoise room. Dr. Carbles held up a sign that said