6. The Tooth Fairy

6 The Tooth Fairy A few minutes later, Dr. Floss came back in the room. She wasn't dressed up like Captain Plaque anymore. "I'd like to introduce a surprise guest who is going to read you a story," she told us. "Please give a warm welcome to my good friend... the Tooth Fairy!" Some big lady came dancing into the

room. She was wearing a yellow tutu, wings, high heels, and a crown on top of her long blond hair. In her hand was a magic wand with a star at the end of it. Well, I thought she was a lady, anyway. She looked a lot like our principal, Mr. Klutz. But he has no hair at all. I mean none. Mr. Klutz would look good with long blond hair. "Hi boys and girls!" the Tooth Fairy said.

The Tooth Fairy sounded a lot like Mr. Klutz too. "You have a pretty low voice for a fairy," I said. "Are you sure you're not Mr. Klutz in disguise?" "Klutz?" said the Tooth Fairy, adjusting her hair. "Never heard of him. I'm the Tooth Fairy." "I'm so glad you could join us on National Dessert Day," said Dr. Floss. "Please tell the kids what you do." "Well," said the Tooth Fairy, "when a kid loses one of their baby teeth and leaves it under their pillow at night, I sneak into their bedroom and replace the lost tooth with money." I wasn't buying any of that. Neither was anybody else. "How do you sneak into people's houses?" asked Neil. "I ...uh... climb in through the

chimney," said the Tooth Fairy. "Like Santa Claus. Hey, would you kids like to hear a story?" "Don't you get dirty climbing through people's chimneys?" asked Ryan. "What if somebody lives in an apartment building?" asked Michael. "This is a really fun story," said the Tooth Fairy, taking out a book. "Isn't it illegal to break into people's houses without permission?" asked Alexia. "I... uh.... never thought about it," admitted the Tooth Fairy. She rubbed her forehead. "Did anyone ever call the cops on you?" I asked. "Did you ever go to jail?" "No!" replied the Tooth Fairy. "I just give money to kids when their baby teeth fall out! And by the way, if your tooth is a perfect tooth, I'll give you a dollar. If your tooth is all decayed, I'll only give you a

nickel. So take good care of your baby teeth." Everybody started buzzing, but not really, because we're not bees. "A nickel?" "That's it?" "The Tooth Fairy is cheap!" "Hey, the more teeth fall out, the more money I pay," said the Tooth Fairy. "I might as well knock all my teeth out at once," said Ryan. "Ka-ching!" "Look, do you kids want to hear the story, or not?" asked the Tooth Fairy. I was still pretty sure the Tooth Fairy was Mr. Klutz. He started to read us a picture book.... "Once upon a time, there was a little boy who was afraid of going to the dentist and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..."*

What a snoozefest. That story went on for a hundred million minutes. I thought I was gonna die from old age. It was about some kid who was afraid of going to the dentist, and on the last page of the story he suddenly gets confident and he's not afraid of going to the dentist anymore. Gee, what a surprise! Like we couldn't predict that was going to happen. "Hey, I heard that Emily lost a baby tooth today," said the Tooth Fairy. "Emily, will you come up here?" Emily ran up to the front of the room. The Tooth Fairy leaned forward to give Emily a dollar bill. But that's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The Tooth Fairy's long blond hair fell off! The Tooth Fairy was completely bald!