2 The Long Goodbye

2 The Long Goodbye Everybody was sad that Mr. Klutz had to retire. It was hard to pay attention in Mr. Cooper's class while he was trying to teach us math and social studies. "Okay, everyone," said Mr. Cooper. "Let's try to focus." "Why should we try to focus?" I asked. "We're not cameras."

"Not that kind of focus, Arlo!" said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don't like it. I was just yanking Andrea's chain. I know what focus means. When it was time for lunch, none of us were in the mood to eat. We went out to play on the monkey bars during recess, but all anybody could talk about was Mr. Klutz.

"I can't believe he has to retire," Ryan said with tears in his eyes. "Mr. Klutz is the only principal we've ever had." "And he's not even that old," said Alexia. "Bald men don't look as old as they are," said Neil, "because they can't lose any more hair."

"I heard that when some people get old," I said, "they get put on ice floes and floated off into the sunset." "That's not a thing, Arlo," Andrea said, rolling her eyes. "It is too a thing," I told her. "No way that's a thing," said Andrea. "It's a thing!" I insisted. We went back and forth like that for a while. "Oooh, A.J. and Andrea are arguing about what a thing is," said Ryan. "They must be in love!" "When are you gonna get married?" asked Michael. If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them. Andrea and I kept arguing over whether or not it was a thing to put old people on ice floes. Then I remembered

that we were talking about Mr. Klutz. He was a great principal. "One time," I said, "I got sent to the principal's office because I was bad. I thought Mr. Klutz was going to punish me, but instead he gave me a candy bar." "Remember the time he climbed up to the top of the flagpole and got stuck there?" asked Ryan. "Remember the time he let us dye his head like an Easter egg?" asked Alexia. "Remember the time he married a turkey?" asked Michael. Ah, those were the good old days. Mr. Klutz was nuts, but he was a good principal. "I bet we're going to get some boring, normal principal," said Neil. "Maybe Mrs. Jafee will be our new

principal," said Emily. "Yes," agreed Andrea. "When the president leaves office in the middle of the term, the vice president becomes president. So Mrs. Jafee should be the new principal." "Mrs. Jafee is no fun at all," groaned Michael. That's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. A marching band marched out of the school. They formed a line on the playground and started to play some song called "Hail to the Chief."* "Where did that marching band come from?" asked Ryan. "Rent-A-Marching-Band," I told him. "You can rent anything." Our custodian, Miss Lazar, rolled a long red carpet out onto the playground. Mr. Klutz came out of the school and