9. Rules for Duels

9 Rules for Duels Fighting is wrong. You should never fight. My parents tell me that all the time. My teachers tell me that, too. But what was I supposed to do? Everybody knows what "Three o'clock, in the playground" means. Pee Air was challenging me to a fight. It would look really bad if I backed down. For the rest of the day, I couldn't pay attention to what Mr. Granite was trying to

teach us. All I could think about was the big fight after school. I've never been in a fight before. I didn't really know what to do. "A.J., you're gonna be great," Ryan kept telling me. "Just keep your dukes up. That French pastry is going down." "You are The Man, A.J.," said Michael. Finally, after a million hundred minutes, the clock on our classroom wall said it was three o'clock. BRING! BRING! BRING! Everybody grabbed their backpacks and rushed out to the playground. I mean everybody, even the fifth graders. I guess word got around that there was going to be a big fight after school. When I got out to the playground, Pee Air was waiting for me. All the kids gathered in a big circle around us. Right behind me were my two best friends, Ryan and

Michael. I looked at Pee Air. Pee Air looked at me. Then, suddenly, the crowd parted to let somebody through. It was Andrea. "Please don't fight, boys!" she said. "Violence never solved any problems." What did violins have to do with anything? "Back off, Andrea," I yelled to her. "This is between me and Pee Air." "I think you mean Pee Air and me," said Andrea. "You should use correct grammar, Arlo." "Quiet!" I shouted at her. "Can you possibly be more boring?"

Andrea had distracted me. I had to focus my attention. I looked at Pee Air. Pee Air looked at me. "A.J.," Pee Air said. "I challenge you... to a duel." "Oooooooooo!" everybody ooooooooed. WHAT?!

I thought we were going to fight. Is duel a French word that means "fight"? I didn't know what he was talking about. Michael and Ryan came over to me. "I saw a duel in a movie once," Michael whispered. "You're supposed to throw a glove on the ground in front of Pee Air." What?! Why would anybody throw a glove on the ground? I didn't even have a glove. It wasn't even that cold outside. Who wears gloves to school when it's not cold out? "Forget the glove," whispered Ryan. "Just keep your dukes up." I turned back to face Pee Air again. "Do you wish to apologize to me, A.J.?" Pee Air asked. "What for?" I said. "You have offended my honor." "Oooooooooo!" everybody ooooooooed.

"I did not!" I said. "Yes." "No!" "Oui!" "Wee wee!" Pee Air and I went back and forth like that for a while. Finally, Michael leaned over to me. "Next," he whispered, "you're supposed to say, 'Choose your weapon.'" "Weapon?" I asked. "I don't have any weapons. Nobody said anything about fighting with weapons." "That's the rules, A.J.," said Michael. "Duels have rules." "Choose your weapon, Pee Air," I said. "Oooooooooo!" Pee Air looked me in the eye. "I choose... thumbs." "Oooooooooo!"