11. A Special Valentine

11 A Special Valentine When I got to school the next morning, Pee Air was lugging a suitcase up the front steps. "What's in the suitcase, Pee Air?" I asked. "Are you going to give us more stinky cheese?" "No, I am going back home to France today," he told me. "But I wanted to say good-bye... to my new friends before I leave."

We got to our classroom, and Mr. Granite wasn't there yet. Pee Air went up to each girl in the class and kissed her hand. They were all giggling and making goo-goo eyes and getting his email address so they could stay in touch with him. Finally, Pee Air went over to Andrea. She was standing in the corner like she was hiding or something. "Your eyes... are like pools of water... in the moonlight," Pee Air said. "Beat it, you two-timer!" shouted Andrea. "Oh, snap!" said Ryan. "Andrea, you will always be my special valentine," Pee Air said as he bent down to kiss Andrea's hand. "Parting is such sweet sorrow—"

"Don't touch me!" she shouted as she slapped his hand away. "Yeah," I told Pee Air, "get in your S car and go home." "Au revoir," said Pee Air, whatever that means. And then he left. Mr. Granite came into the classroom and

told us to take our seats. I went to put my backpack in my cubby. When I got to my seat, Andrea came over to me. She was holding a valentine. "Oh, Arlo," she said, "I've been thinking it over. You're my special valentine. You always will be." "Oooooooooo!" everybody ooooooooed. That's when the most horrible thing in the history of the world happened. Before I could do anything, Andrea leaned over and kissed me! Right on the lips! "Ugh, disgusting!" I shouted, wiping my face on my sleeve. "Ooooo!" Ryan said. "Andrea kissed A.J.! They must be in love!" "When are you and Andrea gonna get married?" asked Michael. "Leave me alone!" I shouted at Andrea.

"Now I have to go boil my face." That's it. That's the last straw. I'm going to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins don't go around kissing each other. I don't even think penguins have lips.

Now that Valentine's Day is over, maybe people will stop saying the L word all the time. Maybe we can exchange Andrea for a video game system. Maybe French people will stop eating snails and throwing their clothes into puddles of water. Maybe Andrea will pick her nose with the same hand Pee Air kissed. Maybe I'll bring gloves to school in case I need to throw one on the ground. Maybe Napoleon will take his hand out of his shirt and get some ointment for that rash. Maybe we'll have a sword fight with baguettes. Maybe kids in France will stop spelling words wrong and bringing bears to school with them. Maybe people will stop talking about violins, running out of straws, and walking into doors all the time. But it won't be easy!