1. How to Look Like a Dork

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1 How to Look Like a Dork My name is A.J. and I hate wearing a tie. Ties are horrible! Who came up with the idea that boys should wear a skinny piece of cloth around their neck on holidays? That was the dumbest idea in the history of the world. "Wake up, A.J.!" my mom shouted from downstairs. "Get dressed! Don't forget to put on your new shirt and tie." What? I opened my eyes. It was Sunday. There was no school. We were on spring vacation. Why did I need to get dressed up? "Do I have to?" I yelled. "It's Easter, A.J.," my dad shouted. "Show your respect."

Respect? Why is it respectful to wear a string around your neck? That makes no sense at all. When I grow up, I'm going to be a professional skateboarder. Skateboarders don't wear ties. They wear sneakers and ripped jeans. I got up and put on my new shirt. Then I put on my dumb tie. Well, I tried to put on my dumb tie. My dad once showed me how to tie a tie, but I didn't remember very well. I put the fat end over the skinny end and looped it around. No, that wasn't right. Then I tried putting the skinny end over the fat end and looped it around. That wasn't right either. How do you tie a tie anyway? Ties are impossible to tie. "Hurry up, A.J.!" my mom yelled from downstairs. "We have to go!" I tried to tie the tie every which way.

Nothing worked. It looked like a bird's nest hanging around my neck. This was going to be the worst day of my life. That's when Dad came into my room to see what was taking me so long. He was wearing his nice suit. "This tie is broken," I told him. "It doesn't work right." "Here, buddy," Dad said. "Let me help you with that." My dad stood behind me and tied the tie in like two seconds. He pulled the knot all the way up to the top.

"Gak! You're choking me!" I gagged. "The tie... is cutting off the air supply... to my brain. Need... oxygen. Feel... woozy. Everything... spinning. I think I'm gonna... pass out! Must go back... to bed." "Oh, stop being so dramatic," Dad said.

"Let's go downstairs." When we got to the top of the stairs, my mom looked up at me. A big smile spread across her face. "You look very handsome and grown up, A.J.!" "I look like a dork," I said.*