1 January

Hip, Hip, Hooray! Ever Day Is a Holiday!

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1 January My name is A.J., and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about pillow fights. I know because that's what I'm thinking about. Of course you're thinking about pillow fights. There's a picture of a pillow fight on the cover of this book. So you probably figure this is going to be a book about pillow fighting. Well, you're

wrong! There are no pillow fights in this book. We just put the pillow fight on the cover to throw you off. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you! My point is, it was January 1—the first day of the year. I should be happy because we don't have school on January 1. But no. I'm sad. Why? Because winter vacation is over. School starts tomorrow. Ugh. Bummer in the winter! I'm going to have to wait another five months until summer vacation. Five months! That's almost a year. No fair. January is my least favorite month. It's cold out and it gets dark way too early. What's up with that? We can't go out and play after dinner because it's already nighttime. I say there should be a law that nighttime can't officially start until nine o'clock. So January is the worst month of the year, and New Year's Day is the worst day of the year. And this year, January 2 was almost as bad as January 1. We were in Miss Banks's class at school. I put my backpack in my cubby, and we pledged the allegiance.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked Miss Banks. "It's 'may,'" she replied. "No it isn't," I told her. "It's January." I can't believe Miss Banks doesn't know what month it is. How did she get to be a teacher? Anyway, that's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. An announcement came over the loudspeaker telling us to go to the all-porpoise room.* Well that's not the weird part. We go to the allporpoise room all the time. The weird part was what happened after that. We lined up and pringled over to the allporpoise room. When we got there, the other

classes were already sitting down and our principal, Mrs. Stoker, was up on the stage. Everybody was talking, so she made a peace sign with her fingers, which means "shut up." We all shut up. "Welcome back to school!" said Mrs. Stoker. "And Happy New Year! I hope everybody had a great holiday. Say, did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got twelve months. Get it?" I didn't get it. Mrs. Stoker is a joker. When she's not being our principal, she's a stand-up comedian. Everybody laughed even though her joke wasn't funny. You should always laugh at the principal's jokes. That's the first rule of being a kid. "But seriously," said Mrs. Stoker. "Did you hear about the caterpillar's New Year's resolution? It's going to turn over a new leaf!" About half the kids laughed. "Do you know what's at the end of January?" asked Mrs. Stoker. "The letter Y!" A few kids laughed. "There's a big parade in January," said Mrs. Stoker. "I don't think February will march, but