5 I Thought I Was Gonna Die

5 I Thought I Was Gonna Die Swami Havabanana told me and Andrea to stand back-to-back and link our elbows together. "Ewww, disgusting!" I said. "Her butt is touching my butt." "Oh, be quiet, Arlo," said Andrea. "This is called the double chair pose," Swami said. "As you lean against each other, take a few small steps forward."

I leaned against Andrea and took a tiny step forward. Andrea took a tiny step forward. I took another step forward. Andrea took another step forward. After a few more steps forward, it was like me and Andrea were sitting on back-to-back chairs, except that there were no chairs! It would have been cool if it had been anybody except Andrea. "See?" said Swami Havabanana. "They are like matching chairs." "Oooooh!" Ryan said. "A.J. and Andrea

are like matching chairs! They must be in love!" "Yoga means 'to join,'" Swami Havabanana said, as he helped me and Andrea up. "It will take us on a journey of discovery as we go in search of the life force that will awaken every cell and balance our mind, body, and spirit." "Can we just go play football?" asked Neil the nude kid. "Football is a game of violence and aggression," the swami said. "Yeah," I told him. "That's why we want to play it." Swami told us all to sit on the floor with our legs crossed. Then we had to take our feet and sort of cross our legs again. I thought I was gonna die. Now I know what it feels like to be a pretzel. "Very good!" said Swami Havabanana.

"That is called the lotus position." He taught us a bunch of other positions, like the downward dog, the roaring lion, the flying crow, and the sleeping tortoise.* Swami Havabanana said we could invent our own poses, too. "Look, I can touch my toes," said Emily. "I can crack my knuckles," said Michael. "I can crack my nose," said Neil. "I can make my eyelids turn inside out," I said. "Yoga is fun, is it not?" Swami asked. "Yes!" said all the girls. "No!" said all the boys. Next, we had to lie on the floor and practice breathing, which made no sense at all because any dumbhead knows how to breathe. Breathing is way overrated. "Breathe in… and breathe out," said Swami Havabanana. "Are you breathing?"

"Yesssssssssssssss…," we all said. Swami told us that deep breathing calms the nervous system. What's up with that? It's called the nervous system. It's supposed to be nervous. "Let go of the tension in your muscles," he said. "Are you relaxing?" "Yesssssssssssssss…" "Feel the soothing calmness take over your inner being…." "Yesssssssssssssss…" "Only when the mind is still can the true essence of life be achieved. Find your deepest self…." "Yesssssssssssssss…" "Feel the flowing life energy." "Yesssssssssssssss…" "Can you see the universe unfolding in your mind?" Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… I was having a dream about Yoda and Yogi doing yoga on YouTube. Then they all started fighting. Yoda had a light saber, and Yogi had a baseball bat. It was a cool dream. But suddenly I heard somebody shouting.