2 A New National Holiday

Chapter 2 A New National Holiday We were all glad that Mr. Klutz wasn't leaving for good, because he's the best principal in the history of the world. One time I got sent to his office for bad behavior and he gave me a candy bar. It was the greatest moment of my life. After Mr. Klutz's big announcement, we went back to class with our teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. "G'day, mates!" said Mr. Granite. "This week we're going to learn about the Civil War. It was called the War between the States because the Northern states and the Southern states fought each other." What?! That makes no sense at all. "If you're gonna have a war," Michael said, "you should fight somebody else."

"Yeah," I said. "Having a war with yourself is like punching yourself in the nose." "Maybe we ran out of other countries to fight," said Ryan, "so we had to fight ourselves." "Boys are dumbheads," said Andrea, rolling her eyes. I was going to say "So is your face" to Andrea, but you'll never believe in a million hundred years who walked into the door at that moment. Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you'll never believe who walked into the door way. It was Mrs. Jafee, the vice principal! "To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mrs. Jafee?" asked Mr. Granite. (That's grown-up talk for "What are you doing here?")

"Howdy, guys and gals!" said Mrs. Jafee. "I'm still new at Ella Mentry School, so I wanted to introduce myself to each class personally. With Mr. Klutz away for four days, I say it's a good chance for us to get to know each other better, by golly." "Does anybody know what the word 'vice' means in 'vice principal'?" asked Mr. Granite.

A bunch of hands shot in the air. Mr. Granite called on Michael. "Vice means 'not good enough,'" Michael said. "Like, the vice president isn't good enough to be president." "Uh, not exactly," said Mrs. Jafee.

I got called on next. "My dad uses a vice in his workshop to hold stuff," I said. "I took one of my sister's dolls and crushed it in the vice. That was cool." "Uh, not that kind of vice, A.J.," said Mr. Granite. Andrea was waving her hands around like somebody who was stranded on a desert island trying to signal a plane. She is so annoying. Andrea keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. "A vice is a bad habit, like smoking, drinking, or gambling," she said. "Yes, but that's not it either," said Mr. Granite. Ha! For the first time in her life, Andrea got something wrong! It should be a national holiday. They could call it

Dumbhead Andrea Day. We should get that day off from school every year. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! In her face! "Vice means 'instead of' or 'in the place of,'" Mrs. Jafee told us. "I'm going to be responsible while Mr. Klutz is away. Do you know what it means to be responsible?" "That means you mess up a lot," I said. "Any time something goes wrong at my house, my mom says I'm responsible." Everybody laughed even though I didn't say anything funny. "You haven't been vice principal for very long, Mrs. Jafee," said Mr. Granite. "Are you sure you have enough experience to be principal?" "You betcha!" Mrs. Jafee said. "When I sit at my desk, I can see Mr. Klutz's office." I didn't see what that had to do with anything.