6 Rufus the Doofus

Chapter 6 Rufus the Doofus Coach Hyatt showed up at our next practice with Wyatt the Nose Picker. A big, brown, rubber thing was strapped to the roof of the Mini Cooper. "What's that big, brown, rubber thing?" we all asked. "Last time I told you ragamuffins about the end zone dance," the coach said. "Today I want to talk about another very important part of football—the blimp." "You got a blimp?" asked Ryan. We all got excited, because blimps are cool. "Not exactly," Coach Hyatt said as she took the big, brown, rubber thing off the roof of her car and put it on the grass. "I couldn't get a blimp. But I got something

even better!" "What is it?" Michael asked. "Oh, you'll see," said Coach Hyatt. She attached a bike pump to the big, brown, rubber thing and started pumping air into it. It got bigger and bigger. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what it turned out to be. It was a giant, inflatable moose! "This is Rufus," said Coach Hyatt. "He's our mascot. I call him Rufus T. Moose. The T stands for 'the.' Rufus the Moose will float over the field and inspire us to victory." "Where'd you get him?" I asked, Rent-A-Blimp?" "No, Rent-A-Blimp," Coach Hyatt said. "Some other team got the last blimp, so I was able to get a discount on Rufus. Isn't he awesome?" No, he wasn't. Rufus the Moose was kind

of wrinkled, and one of his antlers looked like it was about to fall off. Rufus the Doofus was more like it. I didn't tell Coach Hyatt that her moose was lame because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. The coach tied Rufus the Doofus to a tree so he wouldn't blow away. Then she wheeled a big whiteboard out of the equipment shed. It was like the whiteboards we use at school. "It's time to go over some plays," Coach Hyatt told us. She drew a bunch of Xs and Os on the board to represent the players on our team and another team. Then she drew lines to show where each of us was supposed to run. We went over a bunch of running plays and passing plays. I knew most of them already from last season.

"And now," the coach said as she looked around to make sure nobody was watching, "I'm going to show you our Secret Play." Oooooh! We all leaned forward. Secret plays are cool because, well, anything involving secrets is cool. Coach Hyatt began drawing lines all over the board.

"A.J., you're the quarterback, so you go here," she barked. "Ryan, you go here. Michael, you go here. Neil, you go here. Wyatt, you go here. Wyatt will hike the ball to A.J. A.J. will flip it to Ryan. Ryan will pass it to Michael. Michael will lateral it to Neil. Neil will hand it off to Wyatt. Wyatt will run it into the end zone for a touchdown. Got it?" "Got it!" we all shouted, even though none of us got it. Coach Hyatt's Secret Play made no sense at all, but none of us wanted to look dumb. "Okay, let's try it," said Coach Hyatt. We all got into position. "Hut-one!" I shouted. "Hut-two! HIKE!" And we all ran into each other. It was a big mess of kids in a gigantic pile. There were arms and legs flailing

around. It looked like one of those tanks full of lobsters you see in the supermarket. Unfortunately, I was the lobster on the bottom. "Owwww, my leg!" I yelled. "Walk it off, A.J.!" Coach Hyatt barked when the last kid climbed off me. "I think my leg might be broken," I said. "Broken?" barked the coach. "When I was your age, if my leg was broken, I would go out and build a log cabin with my bare hands." What did that have to do with anything? I thought I was gonna die.