6 English Is Weird

Chapter 6 English Is Weird "Okay, everyone, back on your bikes," Mr. Granite said. "It's time for language arts." Ugh! I hate language arts. Language is boring. Art is boring. So there's nothing more boring than language arts. Except maybe math. Math is really boring. "There are some things I don't understand about the English language," Mr. Granite told us. "Like what?" asked Andrea. Little Miss Know-It-All keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can show everybody how smart she is. "Why is it that noses run and feet smell?" Mr. Granite replied. "Shouldn't it be the

other way around?" "What do you mean?" asked Emily. "Well, it seems to me that feet should run and noses should smell," Mr. Granite said. "So why do people say noses run and feet smell?" "It's just an expression," said Michael. "It makes no sense," said Ryan. "My feet don't smell," I said. "They do too, A.J.," said Neil the nude kid. "When you had that sleepover at your house, I had to sleep with your feet in my face." "A nose would run if it had legs," Michael said. "Feet could smell if they had a nose," said Ryan. "Yeah, if you had a nose attached to your foot, your foot could smell," I pointed out.

"Arlo, you're just trying to get out of doing math next period," said Andrea. "I am not." "Are too." We went back and forth like that for a while until Mr. Granite told us to knock it off. "Why are there no eggs in an eggplant?" he asked the class. "And why is there no ham in a hamburger? Hot dogs aren't made from dogs. And a pineapple doesn't have apples in it. Or pine, for that matter."

"Mr. Granite is right!" said Ryan. "English is weird," I said. "Why are boxing rings square?" asked Mr. Granite. "If they're rings, they should be round." "Yeah!" some of the kids agreed. "If one tooth and another tooth are called teeth," said Mr. Granite, "and one goose and another goose are called geese,

then why aren't one moose and another moose called meese?" "Yeah!" Neil said. "What's up with that?" "Why do we play at a recital and recite at a play?" asked Mr. Granite. "When a house burns up, how can it also burn down? And why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?" "Yeah!" everybody shouted. "Mr. Granite is right!" I said. "The English language is messed up. If you ask me, we should complain." "Who are you going to complain to, Arlo?" asked Andrea. "The president!" I said. "We should write a letter to the president of the United States!" Andrea rolled her eyes, but Mr. Granite said that writing a friendly letter to the

president was a great idea. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea. Mr. Granite passed out paper to everybody. It's hard to write while you're riding a bike. So I kept my letter short and sweet: Dear Mr. President, I am a third-grade student at Ella Mentry School. I don't think it's fair that your feet smell. Do you have a nose attached to your foot? Sincerely, A. J.