5. Being Frank

Chapter 5 Being Frank After lunch we went back to Mr. Granite's class. He was talking about recycling paper when the school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement over the loudspeaker. "Mr. Granite, please send A.J. to Ms. Leakey's office." "Oooooooooooh, A.J.'s in trouble!" said Ryan. "I told you not to eat that Twinkie, dude," said Michael. "Maybe Arlo will get kicked out of school!" said Andrea. She was rubbing her hands together. That's what people do when they want something really badly. Why can't a truck full of Twinkies fall on Andrea's head?

I didn't want to go to Ms. Leakey's office. You know where I wanted to go? Antarctica. I wanted to run away and live with the penguins. Penguins are cool. Nobody tells penguins they can't eat Twinkies.

I walked really slowly down the hall. When I opened the door to Ms. Leakey's office, she wasn't in there. I looked around. It was a weird office. There was a treadmill, an organ, a bunch of plants, a giant metal box that looked like a coffin, a hot tub, and a punching bag hanging from the ceiling! Suddenly, the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. That giant box opened up, and a monster popped out! "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" I screamed. The monster pulled a mask off its face. It wasn't a monster after all. It was Ms. Leakey! "Hi, A.J.!" she said. "Why were you lying in a metal box with a mask on your face?" I asked.

"Oh, this is my hyperbaric chamber," she said. "I was breathing pure oxygen. It's good for the lungs." "A hyper-what?" I asked. "Where do you get one of those things?" "From Rent-A-Hyperbaric Chamber," she said. "You can rent anything."

I looked at the row of plants under the window. "Why do you have a farm in your office?" I asked. "I grow all my own food," she told me. "It's organic." I guess that means she plays the organ while her food grows. That's weird. "What's with the hot tub?" I asked. "It's not a hot tub," Ms. Leakey told me. "It's an endless pool. I swim laps in it." "Really short laps, huh?" I said. "The endless pool has a current, like a river," Ms. Leakey told me. "The water shoots past you so you swim in one place. You can swim forever." That made no sense at all. Who wants to swim forever without going anywhere? Ms. Leakey got up out of her weird box. "Would you like some trail mix, A.J.?"

she said, holding out a bag to me. I looked inside the bag. The stuff looked gross. "No thanks," I said. "I don't want to eat trail." "It's nuts and fruits and berries," said Ms. Leakey. "All natural things. Trail mix is good for you." "That's why I don't want to eat it." "A.J.," Ms. Leakey said, "can I be frank with you?" "You can call yourself whatever you want, Frank," I told her. "I'm concerned about your diet," she said. "Tell me, are you getting three square meals a day at home?" "Well, sometimes my meals are round, Frank," I told her. "Like when we have pizza, or pancakes." Ms. Leakey just shook her head sadly.