4. The Perfect Food

Chapter 4 The Perfect Food Soon it was time for lunch in the vomitorium. Me and the guys sat at our usual table. Andrea and her girlie friends sat at the next table so they could bother us. Michael had a ham sandwich. Ryan bought the school lunch, which is disgusting. He'll eat anything, even stuff that isn't food. My mom packed me a peanut butter sandwich and a Twinkie. "Do you think we would really get strong if we ate more fruits and veggies?" asked Neil the nude kid. "It would be cool to be strong like Ms. Leakey," said Michael. "Then we could sword fight with lots of bad guys dressed like food and beat everybody at arm wrestling." "I ate a piece of asparagus once," I told

the guys. "It was gross. I thought I was gonna die." That's when Little Miss Know-It-All at the next table turned around. "Ms. Leakey is right, you know," Andrea said. "Eating healthy food is good for your body." When Andrea turned back around, we all made faces at her. "Ms. Leakey is weird," said Ryan. "Why do you think she's always running out of the room?" "She needs to go exercise," said Michael. "She's obsessed with exercise." I finished my sandwich and peeled the wrapper off my Twinkie. I don't know if you've ever eaten a Twinkie, but it is the best food in the history of the world. I could eat Twinkies all day long. Well, not in the shower. That would be weird. But Twinkies

are the perfect food. I was about to put the Twinkie in my mouth when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. "STOP!" a voice shouted. It was Ms. Leakey! She came running full speed into the vomitorium like she was in the Olympics. She appeared out of nowhere! She must have a Twinkie detector or something. "DROP THAT TWINKIE!" Ms. Leakey screamed as she grabbed my hand. The Twinkie was an inch from my mouth. "But I'm hungry!" I complained. "Do you know what that thing is made of?" asked Ms. Leakey. "Uh, golden sponge cake with creamy filling?" "No!" she shouted. "Dextrose! Sodium

acid pyrophosphate! Diglycerides! Polysorbate 60! Partially hydrogenated animal shortening! You want to put all those chemicals into your body?" The Twinkie was still an inch from my mouth. I looked at it. Then I looked at Ms. Leakey. Then I looked at the Twinkie again. Then I looked at Ms. Leakey again. "Eat it, A.J.," whispered Ryan. "She can't tell you what to do." "Don't eat it, A.J.," said Michael. "Eat it, A.J.," whispered Neil the nude kid. "Don't eat it, Arlo," said Andrea. I was faced with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I had to think fast. I was concentrating so hard that my brain hurt. And then I leaned forward and took a bite of the Twinkie. Ms. Leakey grabbed my

upper and lower teeth with her hands and tried to pull them apart. "Spit out the Twinkie, A.J.!" she screamed. "Stop this junk food madness!" "But I love sodium acid pyrophosphate!" I yelled. I managed to swallow that bite of Twinkie, but Ms. Leakey grabbed the rest of it out of my lunch box. Then she jumped up on top of our table.

"Do you kids know that the average person eats fifty pounds of cookies and cake