11. The New Health Teacher

Chapter 11 The New Health Teacher Well, word got around pretty fast that Ms. Leakey was stuffing her face with junk food. Everybody was wondering if she would come to school the next day. And sure enough, she was nowhere to be found. We even looked in the Dumpster. Me and the guys went to Mr. Klutz's office to find out what happened. "Where's Ms. Leakey?" I asked. "I fired her," Mr. Klutz said. "You know how she was always running away to go exercise? Well, it turned out that she was just running to the Dumpster to eat junk food." "So you fired her just because she ate junk food?" Ryan asked.

"No," Mr. Klutz said, "I fired her because she went overboard." "She fell out of a boat?" I asked.

"No, no," Mr. Klutz told me. "Ms. Leakey just went too far with all that health food stuff. I think it's okay to have junk food once in a while, as a treat. You just have to be careful not to overdo it." "So I guess we don't have a health teacher anymore," Michael said. "Sure we do," said Mr. Klutz. "Let me introduce you to our new health teacher." He took a remote control out of his pocket and pushed a button. And you'll never believe who walked into the door at that moment. It was Mr. Slug! He actually walked right into the door! "OUCH!" said Mr. Slug. "I… HIT… MY… HEAD… ON… THE… DOOR." "Mr. Slug is our new health teacher?" I asked. "He doesn't know anything about health."

"Sure he does," Mr. Klutz said. "He'll show you what you shouldn't do if you want to be healthy." "I…FEEL…LOUSY…," said Mr. Slug. "NEED…TO…LIE…DOWN." "Maybe you should go outside and get some exercise," Ryan suggested. "Then you'll feel better." "OUTSIDE?" said Mr. Slug. "ARE…YOU…CRAZY? YOU…COULD…GET…HIT…BY… A…BUS…OUT…THERE.EXERCISING… EXERCISING...IS... DANGEROUS. LET'S…JUST…CHILL…IN… HERE… WHERE… IT… IS… SAFE." "Is it okay if we go eat some of the junk food in the Dumpster?" I asked. "WHATEVER," said Mr. Slug.

Well, that's pretty much the way it happened. Maybe Ms. Leakey will stop

hiding under my bed and stalking me in supermarkets. Maybe the police will find Ms. Leakey's twin sister buried in the farm in her office. Maybe McLeakey's restaurant will get some food people want to eat. Maybe my mom will start making square pizzas. Maybe I'll go to Antarctica and eat Twinkies with the penguins. Maybe I'll try asparagus again. Maybe Mr. Slug will quit smoking and stop walking into doors. Maybe the teachers will stop arm wrestling with each other. Maybe breakfast will stop thinking it's so important. Maybe they'll let us do sword fighting in fizz ed. Maybe our teachers will stop dressing up like food. Maybe people will stop talking about boats all the time. Maybe Mr. Klutz will show us his plastic bag full of hair. Maybe I'll find the GPS that Ms. Leakey put in my brain. But it won't be easy!