2 The New Student Teacher

Chapter 2 The New Student Teacher Mr. Granite told us that it was his idea to install the new water-saving toilets. "Every time you flush a toilet," he said, "you use up to 5 gallons of water. So five flushes in a day would be… five times five—25 gallons of water a day…" Mr. Granite loves math. "…and that adds up to 175 gallons a week," Mr. Granite continued. "And 9,100 gallons a year. And do you know how many gallons of water you will flush down the toilet in your lifetime?" He didn't have the chance to answer the question, because at that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The door opened. Well, that's not the weird part because

doors open all the time. But you'll never believe who walked into the door. Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you'll never believe who walked into the doorway. It was our principal, Mr. Klutz! He has no hair at all. I think Mr. Klutz used to have hair, but it fell out a long time ago. That's what happens when men get old. He held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means "shut up." "I have big news!" he told us. "Mr. Klutz has a big nose," I whispered to Ryan, who sits next to me. "What is it?" asked Andrea's crybaby friend, Emily. "You're going to get a student teacher!" Mr. Klutz announced. "Isn't that exciting?" "Yes!" said all the girls.

"No!" said all the boys. Wait a minute. Student teacher? That doesn't make any sense. "How can a student be a teacher?" I asked. "Or a teacher be a student? A person can either be a student or a teacher, but not both." "A student teacher is somebody who's learning how to be a teacher, dumbhead," said Andrea. "Oh, snap!" said Ryan. "So is your face," I told Andrea. Any time somebody says something mean to you and you can't think of what to say, just say, "So is your face." That's the first rule of being a kid. "What is our student teacher's name?" Andrea asked. "When will we meet her?" "Right now!" Mr. Klutz said. "Come on in here, Mary. Don't be shy. Kids, this is your

new student teacher, Miss Mary." A lady came in. She looked weird. She had black hair, black clothes, black eye makeup, and a tattoo of a black bat on her arm. There was a purple streak in her hair. She had holes in her pants and earbuds in her ears. She was chewing gum and bobbing

her head up and down to the music. Mr. Granite didn't look very happy when he saw Miss Mary. "Yo," she said as she took out one of her earbuds. "What up?" "Yo," we all replied. "Miss Mary is going to be a great teacher," Mr. Klutz told us. "Do you know how I know she'll be so good?" "How?" we all asked. "Because," Mr. Klutz said as he put his arm around her, "Mary is my daughter." WHAT?!