05 Fish Farts and Swan Songs

Fish Farts and Swan Songs The next morning, Judy was dig-dig-digging in the dirt around the Toad Pee tent. "What are you doing?" "Digging." Puff, puff, puff. "Digging what?" "I'm making a moat around the Toad Pee tent, Stink." Puff, puff. "Why?" "To protect the Moody crown jewels. Somebody was supposed to stand guard outside the T. P. tent. Somebody was supposed to guard the Royal Moody Sapphire. But somebody left his post." "Somebody got hungry," said Stink. "And tired." "Royal guards do not sleep, Stink. Or eat." She handed Stink a shovel. Stink started digging. Puff, puff.

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"The moat is going to hold all the fishes royal, too." "Fishes royal?" "The Queen of England loves animals. She's had more than thirty palace dogs in her lifetime. And she owns all the fish in the water around England." "For real?" Stink dug some more. Puff, puff, puff. "For real. She even owns all the swans in the Thames River." "What about whales?" "Yep. Them too. And porpoises and dolphins and—" "What about tuna fish?" "All the fish, Stink." "Even stinky sushi?" asked Stink. "Even stinky sushi." Stink stopped digging. He tossed down his shovel. "I'm tired of digging." "But you hardly—" "I'm going over to Webster's for a thumb- wrestling match." "Fine," said Judy. "But don't think when you come home all sweaty you're going to swim in my moat!"

When Stink came home from Webster's house, he ran outside to see the moat. Judy lay on her tummy, staring into a puddle. Something was floating in the puddle! Something shiny. Something red and purple. Something with fan-like fins and a floaty tail. Something that looked an awful-lot-exactly like Stink's Siamese fighting fish! "Is that...?" asked Stink, leaning over to peer into the puddle. "That's my royal fish," said Judy. "That's my royal fish!" cried Stink. "His name is Prince Redmond the First," said Judy. "His name is Spike," said Stink. "He's my Siamese fighting fish that I got at Fur & Fangs with my leftover Tooth Fairy money! You stole him." "I didn't nick him, Stink," said Judy. "I took him by royal decree!" She swept her arm through the air. "I own all the fishes in the kingdom." "I want my fish back." "It's for the greater good, Stink. So the whole queendom can enjoy him." Judy pointed to spit

bubbles on the water. "Look, Prince Redmond the First already made a bubble nest." "Guess what," said Stink. "Did you know fish communicate by farting?" "No way," said Judy. "It's true," said Stink. "Spike is probably breaking wind right now." "Royal fish don't fart, Stink." Judy watched more bubbles rise to the surface. Stink leaned over to listen. "Spike is saying, 'Give me back to Stink!'" "Fine." Judy scooped Prince Redmond the Farter into a yogurt container and handed him back to Stink. "A farting fish is not fit for a queen anyway." "Hello, Spiky-Spike-Spike," Stink cooed.

Where-oh-where could she get a royal fish? Judy went down to the creek to look. She knew all about critters in creeks from her after-school Creek Freaks Club. She saw minnows. She saw water striders. She saw common netspinner caddis flies. She spotted dragonfly larva. She spotted beetle larva. She even scooped up a water-penny beetle. She tried to catch a minnow, but it slipped away too fast. If only she had a royal swan! She, Judy Moody, was the queen of no one. The boss of nothing. Not even a farting fish. Not even a minnow. Just then, she, Judy Moody, got a gobsmacking-great idea. Maybe, just maybe, she could get a swan to come to her! A trumpeter swan, just like Louis in The Trumpet of the Swan. Judy dug out her Backyard Becky magazines. Backyard Becky said swans ate birdseed. Judy dumped a bag of birdseed all around her moat. Backyard Becky said swans liked the color red. Judy put out a pile of red things— a red bucket, a red boot, a red ball. Backyard Becky said swans called to each other.