Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

HOW TO DESTROY THE EARTH

1 HIT IT WITH A BIG ROCK Equipment needed: A big rock. Something about the size of the Moon would do it. (IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING THE SIZE OF THE MOON NEARBY... WAIT A MINUTE!) A lot of massive rocket engines would also help. Instructions: This one's easy—push the Moon toward the Earth! It would need a very big push, though, so bring A LOT OF ROCKETS. The results would be pretty similar to the crash that formed the Moon in the first place. The Moon would come FLYING DOWN toward the Earth, SMASH the atmosphere out of the way, and immediately VAPORIZE anything underneath. Seconds afterward, the massive impact would turn the entire surface of our planet into lava and BLAST MILLIONS OF TONS of debris into space. A new Moon might even form from the debris! (YOU MADE IT, SO YOU GET TO NAME IT. MOON 2, MAYBE? ANYTHING BUT MOONY MCMOON FACE.)

Fun factor: 8/10. This one would be great—a nice big crash and some cool visuals as the surface of the Earth melts. Make sure you are a safe distance away, though. You don't want a loose mountain to hit your orbiting space station. 2 THROW IT INTO THE SUN Equipment needed: Rocket engines again— but even more of them this time. The Earth is harder to move than the Moon. Instructions: Just like pushing the Moon into the Earth, we're going to push the Earth into the Sun! You need a REALLY BIG PUSH, otherwise you'll just slightly change Earth's orbit (and the result might only be slightly warmer summers or something. EWW.).

As the Earth gets closer to the Sun, it'll be THOROUGHLY ROASTED. Our atmosphere will boil away into space, and the Earth's surface will melt. Eventually, Earth will be swallowed and end its life as a little blob of iron sinking into the Sun. Fun factor: 4/10. You wouldn't see much—one little fiery bloop and it'll all be over. 3 KILL THE SUN Equipment needed: A lot of helium balloons. I DO MEAN A LOT. About 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 would do it. Instructions: We're going to fill the Sun with helium. If you remember, you can't put the Sun out with water (BECAUSE HYDROGEN-ONE OF THE TWO ATOMS THAT MAKE WATER-IS LITERALLY STAR FUEL). But helium is the thing that will eventually KILL THE SUN, so all we need to do is give it a helping hand. Just throw enough helium balloons at the Sun and you'll make it SWELL UP INTO A RED GIANT STAR and roast the Earth to death.

WELCOME TO THE END OF THE WORLD PARTY! Fun factor: 9/10. You get to fill the inner Solar System with helium balloons, like a PARTY FOR THE END OF THE WORLD. And then you get to enjoy the end of the world. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? 4 FIND A NEARBY SUPERNOVA Equipment needed: A star about to explode. Plus a way to move the Earth through space. Instructions: Drag the Earth across millions of miles of space and park it in orbit around a dying star. Each galaxy has a couple supernovas per century, so all you need to do is find the right star.