Chapter 0

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Before you start reading this book, I have a very serious warning for you. Very, very, very serious. It's so serious, in fact, that I'm going to put the word "warning" here in massive letters, like this: WARNING THERE YOU GO. NOW YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS WARNING IS. The book you are holding is only to be read by aspiring supervillains. It contains some of the most DANGEROUS and DEADLY secrets of the Universe and makes Professor Mayhem's infamous manual 101 Ways to Take Over the World look like a relaxing bedtime story. These pages are packed full of the JUICIEST details about DEADLY black holes, EXPLODING stars, and PLANET-KILLING asteroids... and that's just for starters. IF YOU ARE NOT LEARNING TO BE A SUPERVILLAIN, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS. Okay, I think we're safe. Everyone that is still reading... WELCOME TO ASTROPHYSICS FOR SUPERVILLAINS!

WELCOME, NEW SUPERVILLAINS! Have you ever looked up into a starry night sky and thought, "WOW! SOMEWHERE IN THAT BEAUTIFUL UNIVERSE... THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING THAT COULD DESTROY THIS LITTLE PLANET?" If so, you've come to the right place! WELCOME TO THE SUPERVILLAIN ACADEMY! If you're reading this, it's probably because you're pretty new here. Make sure you get someone to show you to your lair and introduce you to an EVIL HENCHMAN or two.

(JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE DEATH RAYS FOR NOW-WE DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP ANOTHER ACCIDENT.) It's my job to talk to you about the first—and most important!—course you'll be taking here: ASTROPHYSICS FOR SUPERVILLAINS. Look, I'm sure you learned some stuff about space in school. The order of the planets, maybe. Or the phases of the Moon. In other words, all the boring parts that make you want to fall asleep. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH STRANGE, TERRIFYING, AND DOWNRIGHT WEIRD STUFF THERE IS OUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE THAT MOST PEOPLE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT? Well, we're going to look at All of it. Not literally, of course: The FASTEST spaceship ever built would still take millions of years to reach even the nearest stars (WHICH WOULD MAKE FOR A VERY LOOOOOOOONG BOOK)

We're going to go on an imaginary sightseeing tour across the Universe where we'll see some FASCINATING, DEADLY, and plain HORRIBLE things. We'll take a trip around our SOLAR SYSTEM and meet the planets that would FREEZE you to death (LIKE MARS), the planets that would ROAST you alive (LIKE MERCURY), and the planets that would CRUSH YOU, burn you, and DISSOLVE YOU in acid (THAT WOULD BE VENUS, VENUS, AND VENUS. VENUS IS A FUN PLACE!). We'll visit our SUN and find out exactly what happens when the Sun dies (SPOILER ALERT: THAT WILL BE A BAD DAY FOR PLANET EARTH). Uh- oh!

We'll also meet the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs and say "HI" to its friends who might one day doom humanity. After that, we'll leave the Solar System and take a trip around the MILKY WAY. We'll meet EXPLODING STARS that could wipe out all life on Earth in a flash (AND MIGHT HAVE ALREADY DONE SO IN THE PAST!), as well as black holes that can SQUASH literally anything into NOTHINGNESS, from people to planets. Finally, we'll head off into UNKNOWN DEEPEST SPACE and think about some ways the entire Universe might die.