Chapter 9

chapter nine The road trip is in full swing. Open road! Adventure! Headed for the horizon! Quint pulls out a book called Road Trip Games for Families. "Where'd you get that?" I ask. "I checked it out of the library before we left." Of course Quint checked it out. He'll probably even pay the late fees. "It says here, the best way to make a long trip fast and enjoyable is to keep your friends and family entertained and laughing. Now, there are some very exciting things in here. Best of all—it's fun for all ages! What should we play first?" "Hmm," June says. "How about we play... SOME MUSIC. Crank it up to eleven!" Quint grumbles—and plays Yahtzee alone for the next hour. Each time he yells "YAHTZEE!" I nearly wet myself.

We play a few rounds of Truth or Dare. I dare Quint to lose a game of Yahtzee... to himself. Dirk chooses Truth, and June asks what got him started on the whole gardening thing. "It was my dad. He always said if you know how to grow your own food, you're set for life," Dirk says. "Although, he mostly just ate microwave burritos...." "Speaking of food and survival and such," I say, "is anyone getting hungry? Because that sign there says 'Super-sized Rest Stop: Next Exit.'" "OK, OK," Dirk says, and I try to hide a smile. With Dirk's vegetable garden gone, we're gonna do so much gas station fine dining....

On the way out, I grab up a little clip-on air freshener. Big Mama is quickly becoming a toxic-waste site. I grabbed Waffle Sundae Syrup Blast. But believe it or not, nobody likes the smell! "I didn't know it was possible," June says. "But Big Mama is starting to stink worse than the tree house ever did."

The stench is so bad that we agree to spend one night outside of Big Mama. We stop at a motel that advertises an "Olympic-sized swimming pool." It's definitely not "Olympic-sized"—but that's the least of the pool's problems.... So, at the next gas station, I pick up an air freshener that I'm sure we'll all agree on: Deep- Dish Pizza. But once again, nobody likes my choice in manufactured scents. My new air

freshener has been hanging from the rearview mirror for less than two minutes when Dirk flings it out the window. "Hey!" I cry. "I was still smelling that!" I peek my head out and watch the air freshener flap sadly in the wind. It finally flutters to the ground, then a strange, evil- looking rhino monster trots out onto the road, sniffs the air freshener, and promptly keels over. "Everyone's a critic," I mutter.— "Guys, important question," June says. "Where are all the cows?? We've been driving for days and we've seen zero cows! I wanna yell 'moo' at a cow. Is that so much to ask? Like, is it even a road trip if you don't get to yell 'moo' at a cow?" Two days later, June is in luck. We spot a cow grazing in an old Box Factory parking lot. June excitedly lowers the window, does a little "ahem" cough in preparation, then unleashes an impressively powerful "MOOOOOOOO!"

Not a mco-cow not a moo-cow DRIVE DRIVE, DRIVE, But unscheduled (and often horrifying) stops are half the fun of a road trip, right? Even if you almost die? I mean, that's what all the best road trip movies have taught me. And that's exactly what I'm thinking when we stop to take pictures in front of giant hollow stucco dinosaurs. I slap some touristy gear on