Chapter 23

chapter twenty-three I'm remembering the last time I felt this alone. This memory, though—it feels so real. Like it's more than just a memory. Like I'm there, back in those middle school halls.... I was at rock bottom. Crater city.

第二十三章我在回忆上次我感到如此孤独的时候。 然而，这段记忆感觉如此真实。 好像这不仅仅是一段回忆。 就像我在那里，回到那些中学大厅.... 我处于人生的最低谷。火山口的城市。

I remember clawing through my locker, looking for a bag of Fritos that I thought maybe I left in there, when— SMASH! My framed Certificate of Merit shattered against the floor. I won it for being the first ever sixth-grade senior editor of the school paper. I had hung it on my locker door. And there it was on the floor, lying in a pile of broken glass. But I didn't care. That dumb piece of paper didn't matter anymore, because NOTHING from my old life mattered anymore. And the weight of that hit me like a cannonball. Everything I'd envisioned for myself was gone. I had a PLAN for my future. I always had clear-cut goals. I had my future mapped out by first grade, when half my

我记得我翻遍了我的储物柜，想找一袋菲多我以为我可能落在里面了，然后-砰！我的装裱好的奖状在地板上摔得粉碎。 我因为成为校报的第一个六年级高级编辑而获奖。 我把它挂在我的储物柜门上。 它就在地板上，躺在一堆碎玻璃里。 但我不在乎。那张愚蠢的纸已经不重要了，因为我过去的生活已经不重要了。 它的重量像炮弹一样击中了我。 我为自己设想的一切都消失了。 我对我的未来有一个计划。 我总是有明确的目标。 我一年级就规划好了我的未来，当时我一半的

classmates were still sucking Elmer's straight out of the tube. I used to play it in my head, like a movie, during that ninety-nine-second sprint to the bus every morning. And then on the bus. And, well, all the time. Youngest editor of the middle school paper: did that. Check mark. Then, it would be first slow dance at the eighth-grade formal, driver's license at sixteen, followed by starting midfielder

同学们还在直接从管子里吸埃尔默糖。 我过去常常在每天早上冲向公共汽车的99秒时间里，在脑海里播放这首歌，就像在看电影一样。 然后在公共汽车上。嗯，一直都是这样。 中学校报最年轻的编辑：做到了。 复选标记。然后是八年级正式舞会上的第一支慢舞，16岁拿到驾照，接着是中场首发

on the Hounds lacrosse team, taking us to the state championship. Then an internship at the Morning Horn News in the big city. Next, a scholarship to my first-choice college, graduate near the top of the class, then I'd move to the city, land my dream job at the Morning Horn, three years there and I'd be the paper's first female editor-in-chief— And y'know what else? Y'know what the biggest, best part of my big plan was? I was going to do all of it with my family cheering me on, watching me become the person I was supposed to become. But then the world was suddenly shattered. Just like the glass that held my dumb, useless Certificate of Merit. I stared at it, on the floor—thinking about how my hopes and dreams were dead, done, destroyed—just like the rest of the world.

猎犬队长曲棍球队的一员，带我们去州冠军赛。 然后在大城市的《号角晨报》实习。 接下来，我拿到了第一志愿大学的奖学金，以优异的成绩毕业，然后我搬到城里，在《晨角报》找到了我梦寐以求的工作，在那里工作三年，我就成了这家报纸的第一位女主编——你知道还有什么吗？ 你知道我的大计划中最大最好的部分是什么吗？ 我打算在家人的支持下完成这一切，看着我成为我应该成为的人。 但世界突然崩塌了。 就像装着我那又蠢又没用的奖状的玻璃一样。 我盯着它，躺在地板上——想着我的希望和梦想是如何死去、破灭、毁灭的——就像世界上其他人一样。

My hand tightened around the spear in my hand, and I knew what I would do. I would break that too. And once it broke, once my only weapon was gone—then I'd be able to truly, fully GIVE UP. Anger rushed through me and I raised the spear and swung— I caught my breath. Gathered my strength. In a moment, I would bring that spear smashing down against the school's big fake gold lacrosse trophies! One final swing. And then, like I said, I could quit. I raised the spear high, drew up my strength, then— "JUNE! JUNE DEL TORO!" I spun around. My name. Someone was calling my name. Not the army, not my parents, not some super squad of armor-clad warriors come to rescue me.

我的手紧握着手里的矛，我知道我该怎么做。 我也会打破它。一旦它断了，一旦我唯一的武器没了，我就能真正彻底地放弃。 怒火涌上心头，我举起长矛挥了起来——我屏住了呼吸。 聚集我的力量。再过一会儿，我就会拿起长矛砸向学校的假金制长曲棍球奖杯！最后一击。 然后，就像我说的，我可以辞职。 我把矛举得高高的，鼓起了力气，然后——“琼！祝你六月快乐！”我转过身来。 我的名字。有人在叫我的名字。 不是军队，不是我的父母，也不是什么超级装甲战士来救我。

No, it was a boy. The sound was distant and echoey, and I couldn't quite make it out at first. I realized—with a mix of shock, horror, and wonder—that it was freaking JACK SULLIVAN.... JACK SULLIVAN THE WEIRD NEW KID

不，是个男孩。声音很遥远，有回声，一开始我听不太清楚。 我意识到——带着震惊、恐惧和惊奇——这是可怕的杰克·沙利文.... 杰克·苏利文，那个奇怪的新人