Chapter 16

chapter sixteen LEGENDARY HERO TRAINING. DAY 19. Wherein I, Jack Sullivan, use the Squishy Mitten of Power to finally, at last, do some cool zombie manipulation! OK, here goes.... We're back at the farm, but this time it's gonna be different. I stare down three zombies. "You three better prepare for total domination. I'm comin' for ya with my crazy Scrapken glove!" I open and close my fingers. The tentacle flesh presses against my thumb. I pull the Slicer free. I'm gonna prove my worth.

第十六章传奇英雄训练。 天19。在这里，我，杰克·沙利文，用柔软的权力手套，终于，做了一些很酷的僵尸操纵！好的，这是.... 我们回到农场了，但这次不一样了。 我盯着三只僵尸。 “你们三个最好准备好全面统治。 我带着我的疯手套来找你了！”我张开又合上我的手指。 触手的肉压着我的大拇指。 我把切片机拉出来。我要证明我的价值。

And then, after all the worth proving, I'm gonna show my friends how super good I am at doing zombie-control stuff. I swing the bat— "DANCE, UNDEAD ONES! DANCE!" I shout, snapping the Slicer through the air like I'm conducting an orchestra or doing some Sorcerer's Apprentice–style magic. I feel the magnetic connection and—

然后，在所有值得证明的事情之后，我要让我的朋友们看看我有多擅长控制僵尸。 我挥动着球棒——“跳舞吧，亡灵们！”跳舞!”我喊道，在空中挥动着切片机，就像我在指挥管弦乐队，或者在表演《魔法师的学徒》式的魔法。 我感觉到了磁性的联系

I stand there, in total disbelief. Then— "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I scream. "Bardle, what the huh? The Squishy Mitten of Power didn't work! The zombies just toppled!" "Is that what you intend to call it?" Bardle says. "The Squishy Mitten of Power?" "What? Um, NO. I was just trying it out..." I mumble. "Why, do you like it? "It is horrendous." "Well, good, 'cause like I said, that's NOT what I'm calling it." I turn and stomp away. Big, heavy, child-tantrum footsteps. I feel the zombies watching me. "Look away, zombies," I whisper angrily. "I don't even wanna see you guys right now, that's how mad I am at you." I can't control them. I don't know why I thought I could. I'm not Ghazt. I'm not a Cosmic Terror. I'm not even lousy Evie.... Bardle steps toward me. He has a weird shimmer in his eyes like he's about to conjure that horrible terror again.

我站在那里，完全不敢相信。 然后-“你一定是在跟我开玩笑吧！”我尖叫。 “巴德尔，怎么回事？”软绵绵的权力手套不管用！僵尸倒下了！”“你打算这样称呼它吗？”Bardle说。 “柔软的权力手套？”“什么? 嗯,没有。我只是想试试……” 我听不清。“怎么，你喜欢它吗？” “太可怕了。”“嗯，很好，因为就像我说的，我不是这么说的。” 我转身跺着脚走开了。又大又重，像小孩子一样的脚步声。 我感觉僵尸在看着我。 “别看，僵尸们。”我愤怒地低声说。 “我现在根本不想见你们，我就是这么生你们的气。” 我控制不了他们。我不知道为什么我以为我可以。 我不是Ghazt。我不是宇宙恐怖分子。 我甚至不是讨厌的伊薇.... 巴德尔向我走来。他的眼睛里闪着一种奇怪的光芒，好像他又要召唤出那种可怕的恐怖了。

"No, don't show it to me again," I say. "It's horrible and awful and if I don't do a better job, then everyone is done for. I get it." I think back to when the Monster Apocalypse began—when I created challenges for myself and earned Feats of Apocalyptic Success. In those challenges, and in video games, too, when you fail, you can always start again. Even online, in a Battle Royale, if you bite it, you just hop into the next game. Easy! But this—this here—this is like... You fail and the controller melts in your hand—hits the ground, bursts into flames, burns a hole in the floor, and falls through to the netherworld. And while that's happening, lest you thought, Oh, I'll just go get another controller! your console spontaneously combusts and then the TV crashes to the floor and explodes in a raging inferno. Oh yeah—Jack Sullivan. Big hero. I can see it now—my final feat....

“不，别再给我看了，”我说。 “这太可怕了，如果我不能做得更好，那么每个人都完蛋了。 我明白了。”我回想起《怪物启示录》开始的时候——我为自己创造了挑战并获得了《启示录》的成功。 在这些挑战和电子游戏中，当你失败时，你总是可以重新开始。 即使是在线游戏，在大逃杀游戏中，如果你咬了一口，就会跳到下一款游戏。 简单!但这——这——这就像…… 如果你失败了，控制器就会在你手中融化掉，撞到地上，燃烧起来，在地板上烧出一个洞，然后掉到阴间。 当这发生时，以免你想，哦，我要去找另一个控制器！你的游戏机自燃，然后电视摔到地板上，在熊熊烈火中爆炸。 是的，杰克·沙利文。大英雄。 我现在可以看到了，我最后的壮举....

FEAT: Complete FAIL ALL OF HUMANITY. DISAPPOINT EVERYONE. BE NOT A HERO. Bardle interrupts my doomsday train of thought, "When you controlled the zombie in the bowling alley—what did you feel?" "Fear," I say. "I saw that undead eating machine zooming toward Quint, and I was scared." He nods. His eyes flick up over my shoulder, and I spin around—expecting to see a zombie, but there's nothing. Bardle just pulled a "made ya look."

功绩：全人类彻底失败。 让每个人都失望。不要做英雄。 巴德尔打断了我关于世界末日的思绪，“当你在保龄球馆里控制僵尸的时候，你有什么感觉？”“恐惧，”我说。 “我看到那台吃不死的机器向昆特市飞驰而来，我吓坏了。” 他点了点头。他的眼睛掠过我的肩膀，我转过身来，希望看到一个僵尸，但什么也没有。 巴德尔刚才说了一句“让你看了”。

When I turn back, a split second later, he's holding my walkie. "Hey! How did you—?" I glance around. My backpack, which lies near the fence, is open. Bardle lifts the walkie, but when his mouth opens, my voice comes out. Not, like, an impression of me... My actual voice. My chest is tight, like Bardle is ripping the words from my throat. "June. Quint. Dirk. Come in," he says. "It is I, your human companion Jack. I have exciting things to tell you. Out and over." OK, so he can do my voice—but he's totally butchering my awesome lingo. "Also, fisticuffs," Bardle says. Crud. He's good. "Meet me at the Burger Barn," Bardle says. A moment later, June replies, "Copy that!" The Burger Barn is beyond the safety of the Zom-B-Gone torches. There are zombies there. Why would Bardle send my friends into danger?

我一转身，他就拿着我的对讲机。 “嘿!你是怎么——？”我环顾四周。 我放在栅栏附近的背包是敞开的。 巴德尔举起对讲机，但当他张开嘴时，我的声音就出来了。 不是我的印象… 我真实的声音。我的胸口紧绷着，就像巴德尔在从我喉咙里扯出话来。 ”6月。五胞胎。德克。请进，”他说。 “是我，你的人类同伴杰克。 我有激动人心的事要告诉你。 完了。”好吧，他可以模仿我的声音，但他完全在糟蹋我的超棒的行话。 “还有拳头，”巴德尔说。 Crud。他很好。“在汉堡巴恩等我，”巴德尔说。 过了一会儿，琼回答说：“收到！”汉堡巴已经超出僵尸消失火炬的安全范围了。 那里有僵尸。巴德尔为什么要让我的朋友陷入危险？