Chapter 16

chapter sixteen LEGENDARY HERO TRAINING. DAY 19. Wherein I, Jack Sullivan, use the Squishy Mitten of Power to finally, at last, do some cool zombie manipulation! OK, here goes.... We're back at the farm, but this time it's gonna be different. I stare down three zombies. "You three better prepare for total domination. I'm comin' for ya with my crazy Scrapken glove!" I open and close my fingers. The tentacle flesh presses against my thumb. I pull the Slicer free. I'm gonna prove my worth.

And then, after all the worth proving, I'm gonna show my friends how super good I am at doing zombie-control stuff. I swing the bat— "DANCE, UNDEAD ONES! DANCE!" I shout, snapping the Slicer through the air like I'm conducting an orchestra or doing some Sorcerer's Apprentice–style magic. I feel the magnetic connection and—

I stand there, in total disbelief. Then— "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I scream. "Bardle, what the huh? The Squishy Mitten of Power didn't work! The zombies just toppled!" "Is that what you intend to call it?" Bardle says. "The Squishy Mitten of Power?" "What? Um, NO. I was just trying it out..." I mumble. "Why, do you like it? "It is horrendous." "Well, good, 'cause like I said, that's NOT what I'm calling it." I turn and stomp away. Big, heavy, child-tantrum footsteps. I feel the zombies watching me. "Look away, zombies," I whisper angrily. "I don't even wanna see you guys right now, that's how mad I am at you." I can't control them. I don't know why I thought I could. I'm not Ghazt. I'm not a Cosmic Terror. I'm not even lousy Evie.... Bardle steps toward me. He has a weird shimmer in his eyes like he's about to conjure that horrible terror again.

"No, don't show it to me again," I say. "It's horrible and awful and if I don't do a better job, then everyone is done for. I get it." I think back to when the Monster Apocalypse began—when I created challenges for myself and earned Feats of Apocalyptic Success. In those challenges, and in video games, too, when you fail, you can always start again. Even online, in a Battle Royale, if you bite it, you just hop into the next game. Easy! But this—this here—this is like... You fail and the controller melts in your hand—hits the ground, bursts into flames, burns a hole in the floor, and falls through to the netherworld. And while that's happening, lest you thought, Oh, I'll just go get another controller! your console spontaneously combusts and then the TV crashes to the floor and explodes in a raging inferno. Oh yeah—Jack Sullivan. Big hero. I can see it now—my final feat....

FEAT: Complete FAIL ALL OF HUMANITY. DISAPPOINT EVERYONE. BE NOT A HERO. Bardle interrupts my doomsday train of thought, "When you controlled the zombie in the bowling alley—what did you feel?" "Fear," I say. "I saw that undead eating machine zooming toward Quint, and I was scared." He nods. His eyes flick up over my shoulder, and I spin around—expecting to see a zombie, but there's nothing. Bardle just pulled a "made ya look."

When I turn back, a split second later, he's holding my walkie. "Hey! How did you—?" I glance around. My backpack, which lies near the fence, is open. Bardle lifts the walkie, but when his mouth opens, my voice comes out. Not, like, an impression of me... My actual voice. My chest is tight, like Bardle is ripping the words from my throat. "June. Quint. Dirk. Come in," he says. "It is I, your human companion Jack. I have exciting things to tell you. Out and over." OK, so he can do my voice—but he's totally butchering my awesome lingo. "Also, fisticuffs," Bardle says. Crud. He's good. "Meet me at the Burger Barn," Bardle says. A moment later, June replies, "Copy that!" The Burger Barn is beyond the safety of the Zom-B-Gone torches. There are zombies there. Why would Bardle send my friends into danger?