Chapter 22

chapter twenty-two It's just past noon, and we're all in Big Mama, headed for the Circle One Mall. Alfred's empty cage rattles in the back of the truck. Our butler is back home, locked inside the garage. He's served his purpose, so we could just let him free—but I'm worried that he'll get his brains sucked out by the tree. What kind of butler-having guy would I be if I let my butler's brains get sucked? The bad kind of butler-having guy, that's what. Okay, explain the plan. It's simple, super simple.

"I'm going to get inside Alfred's cage. You guys will leave me in it, inside the mall—at the food court. You hide a safe distance away, in the parking lot. The Wormungulous will smell me or sense me or whatever it does—and it'll come for me. The fact that I haven't showered in a week should help. You with me so far?" "Yes, we're with you," June says. "And yes, you do need to shower." "As soon as he comes, I'll radio you guys on this," I say, holding up one of our walkies. "While the Wormungulous is busy with me, you get your butts to Lowe's and load up Big Mama with weed killer." "What if the Wormungulous simply swallows the cage whole?" Quint asks. "I just have to take that risk," I say. "Take that risk?!" Quint exclaims. "That's a very large risk, friend." I shoot him a hard look. "Do any of you have a better plan?" And with that, everyone shuts up. This isn't about us.

It's about everyone else who's still alive: the humans we haven't met but have to assume are out there, the monsters at Joe's whom Thrull would feed to .e...c., the world itself. "All right, then," Dirk says. "It's a plan." June squeezes my shoulder. "We'll see you soon." And with that, my friends are gone. They pile into Big Mama and drive across the parking lot. But the Wormungulous does not show up.

June soon buzzes in over walkie. "Everything OK in there?" "Yep. Just waiting. Know any good jokes to keep me busy?" "When do zombies go to sleep?" I groan. This'll be awful. "When?" "When they're dead tired!" "Terrible. You can never give me grief about my bad jokes again," I say. I'm picking a hangnail when June buzzes back and hums the Jeopardy! theme. I laugh. I like my friends. I hope I live to see them again... After forty-five minutes, I decide it's time to make a move. The world is at stake here—we can't just be hanging out in cages, picking at hangnails, humming classic game show theme songs. So I open the cage door. Breath held, teeth clenched, I step out into the deserted food court. I pull the Louisville Slicer from my sheath, raise it high, and slam it into the floor. I do it again, over and over. BAM! BAM!

BAM! BAM! On the fifth bam, I hear something crashing, far away—at the other end of the mall. I slam the blade into the floor again. BAM! BAM! BAM! Another crash. Glass shattering. I see it... Ahead of me, the floor is bending and breaking as the Wormungulous hurtles toward me. The ground at my feet bends and twists and shatters. KA-KA-KRAKKK!!!! There's a seismic-type shift, the floor splits, and it appears... WORM BURST

Metal gates covering nearby storefronts shatter as the monster moves toward me, emitting an ear-piercing shriek. "GO, GUYS, GO!" I shout into the walkie. "NOW!" "DRIVING!" June responds. I wheel around and race back to the cage, but the worm blasts past and cuts in front of me. The floor crumbles and bends. My stomach flips as I'm lifted up into the air! Words scream inside my head: "GET IN THE CAGE, JACK! GET IN THE CAGE, JACK! GET IN THE CAGE, JACK! GET IN THE CAGE, JACK!" The Wormungulous's back is slimy and slick and covered in small tentacles. Gripping one, I manage to gain my footing. I scramble forward, then leap! My body slams into the cage and the door clangs shut behind me. KA-SLAM! The cage lands upside down and my head bangs into the metal bottom. There's blood on my lips—it