Chapter 9

chapter nine So, here's my problem— There's no real way to practice climbing a monstrous cliffside—especially when the only thing you've ever climbed before was the fifth-grade jungle gym. And double-especially when the only thing you know about the cliff you've gotta climb is that it's supposedly unclimbable. But I gotta do something. Everybody else is busy preparing for the big Mission Operation: Break the Fortress. Though most of Dirk's time is spent chasing after Drooler...

So I head off in search of a cliff to test out. A small one. Like, y'know, a starter cliff. But it ends up not being a cliff at all. I'm halfway up the side when the cliff stands and I realize it's actually a giant rock monster. So I'm left stuck, dangling from this boulder beast, while it goes on a freaking leisurely five-hour afternoon hike... Excuse me, sir. I'd like to get down. Now.

The monster walks about three more miles before I'm finally able to slide off. I'm headed back into camp, exhausted, when— "HEADS UP!" June calls, speeding past me. "Geez, June, where's the fire?" I call. "It's about to start," she shouts, turning as she runs to flash me a mischievous smile. I realize she's carrying a cardboard box and wearing huge science- class safety goggles. "I'm beginning Fortress Breaker tests if you wanna watch!" Um, yeah, duh. "So, what exactly are you testing?" I shout, chasing after her. "Conjurer thingamabobs! Each one chock-full of other-dimensional destructive energy!" she calls. Then, by way of explanation, she says, "I paid a little visit to our local conjurer..."

Hey, here's a question for you. We need to blow up that bad guy Fortress-which puts me in the market for a magic energy bomb. What do you have in a size big? I have a variety of curios, knickknacks and enchantment infused-brick-a-Brac, but your quest will require these great monsters through history. Micro-figures. Wait, these are blind-box toys You guys have those in your dimension. Oh yes, we love them. Purchasing an item without knowing what's inside, forcing one to pay over and over until they get the item they truly want is joyous, fun.

Okay, so what's this one do? Don't know what any of them do. You never know until you crack one open crack open a few at once and they do stuff together. So how do I know which combination? We're enough? Y'know, boom to take down that fortress just start mixing and matching you'll quickly learn what sort of destructions you can create. Cheers to defeating Evil Boo. Okay, there's one destruction I can create.

That's all too much for me to process, so I just say, "This sounds incredibly unsafe." We race around the Mallusk. Up ahead, two football field lengths past the camp, I see— "THE BLASTING ZONE!" June announces proudly. I'm about to commend her on the elaborate setup when— "Hold up," I say. "What's with all the ancient Greek statue things?" "Needed something to actually blast," she says. "Ended up going a little nuts at the fancy lawn ornament store..." I nod, thinking that kinda makes sense, when— "HEY!" I exclaim. "My face! That one's got MY FACE!" Then, half-horrified, half-honored, I realize they've ALL got my face. "June," I say. "These statues are..."