Chapter 14

chapter fourteen When June and I step back into Mr. Vogel's room, Quint and Dirk are waiting for us. Quint is leaning against the far window with his arms crossed. He looks like a ticked-off teacher who wants to know why it took you thirty minutes to run to the bathroom. "Uh, hey, buddies," I say. "You're awake?" "You know I can't sleep without my earplugs, Jack. I heard you sneaking out." I roll my eyes. "Oh yes, of course. Your earwax- collecting nuggets..." "They're not earwax-collecting nuggets, Jack! They're earplugs and you know I have sensitive hearing, so I—ugh, never mind. Now that I'm awake, I see that we have a problem." "No, we don't!" I exclaim. "No problems! We have good news! June is coming. Right, June?" June nods yes. She's still trying to rock the

attitude, like she doesn't need anyone's help. "Great," Quint says as he splits open the metal blinds, "but that doesn't solve this problem." I walk over and peer through the blinds. Big Mama is parked out front, where we left her. She's surrounded by zombies. A hundred, almost. OK, bad, but that's not the end of the world. (No pun intended.) It's not like— Ohhhh. Farther out, across the street, I see something colossally worse than zombies— Blarg. The monster is sitting on top of some poor dude's house. The roof is caved in in the middle, the wooden walls are bent at the sides, the windows are shattered, and the front door is popped open. Blarg is just perched there, waiting, watching the school. The nerve of this Blarg...

I shut the blinds. "So, June, little hiccup here. Nothing to lose our heads over. But it's not just zombies out there. It's also, um, Blarg." June crosses her arms. "I'll probably regret asking this, but... what's a Blarg?" "Blarg is a, uh, well—a big man-eating monster. With a bit of an attitude problem." "Mmm-hmm," June says. "And Jack, I'll probably regret asking this, too. But do you have any idea why this 'Blarg' is here?" The annoyance

in June's voice is about as thick as maple syrup. I cough into my hand. "Well, a few months back, I got into, just a, y'know, a little scuffle with him at the CVS. And I, well—" "You what?" June growls. I stabbed him in the forehead. June looks like she's about to punch me in the nose. "Well, you weren't kidding," she says, peeking through the blinds. "He is big." "And he's just chilling out!" I exclaim. "He's watching the school and watching Big Mama. Waiting for us to make a move. Y'know, I've had enough of this guy...." I yank up the blinds and throw open the window. "Hey, Blarg! LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST GET OUTTA HERE, MONSTER JERK!"

"Jack, you fool!" Quint says, and runs to the window. Blarg's ear holes open and his big head cranes from side to side. He hops down off the house. The windows rattle as he hits the ground, no more than two hundred feet from us. His head jerks around again. He's sniffing. Hunting for the source of my voice. "Look at that thing!" Dirk says. "He's so dumb, he can't even see us up here!" I shake my head. "He's not dumb. He's the opposite. Of all these monsters out there, he's the smartest. He's got, like, a vendetta against me." "That's why you don't stab monsters in the forehead, Jack," June says. "Look, lesson learned, OK? In the future, I'll try to minimize all monster forehead stabbings." Blarg is stomping closer when he almost trips over a car. The massive monster stumbles before catching himself. Quint lets out a "Hmmm..." "What are you hmmming about?" June asks. Quint runs over to a desk and whips out his

dictionary-sized three-ring research binder. The rest of us crowd around, watching Quint flip through pages. Every few moments, he'll pause, think for a moment, then continue flipping. Finally, he stops on one of my photographs and says, "Jack, you magnificent son of a gun!" "Why? What? I did something good? I mean, obviously I did—but uh, which good thing are you talking about?" Quint spins the book around. Quint's going a mile a minute now. "Your photos, Jack. I told you they were useful! See this one here—the one you took when you first fought Blarg at CVS? See how Blarg's eyes are pale white and sort of see-through?" "Yeah, so...?" "That means his low-light vision is poor! That's why he tripped over that car just now. He's built for