1 You’re Up to Speed

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Chapter 1 YOU'RE UP TO SPEED There were eight items on Coke McDonald's to-do list at the end of July. But getting thrown into a volcano was not one of them. GET A NEW IPOD was on the list. STOP BITING MY NAILS was on the list. BUY SCHOOL SUPPLIES was on the list. FINISH SUMMER READING was on the list. But nothing about getting thrown into a volcano. And yet, strangely enough, getting thrown into a volcano was the one thing that Coke McDonald was actually going To Do at the end of July. Dear reader, right here in the first chapter I could tell you how Coke McDonald is going to

get thrown into a volcano. Then you would be able to get on with your life, go play a video game, watch some YouTube videos of cats playing piano, or whatever it is you do to get your jollies. But that would spoil the fun for you, and I certainly don't want to do that. Part of the joy of reading a book is letting the story unfold before your eyes. And to do that, you really need to read the first four books in the Genius Files series: Mission Unstoppable, Never Say Genius, You Only Die Twice, and From Texas with Love. (By the way, these books are conveniently available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook versions from your favorite bookseller. Or, if you're intent on depriving me of the piddling royalties I would earn if you actually bought the book, you can get it for free at your local library. You can't beat that deal.) In any case, go ahead and read those four books. The rest of us will wait here while you catch up.

(insert whistling noises here) Wait. What? You say you already read the first four Genius Files books? You say you remember that a pair of twins from California named Coke and Pepsi McDonald were recruited to be part of a secret government program called The Genius Files in which the smartest kids in the country would be called upon to solve the world's problems? You say you remember that the mastermind of The Genius Files program—the eccentric Dr. Herman Warsaw—decided to kill off the program and all the kids in it? You say you already know that Dr. Warsaw,

his deranged henchwoman Mrs. Higgins, Archie Clone, Evil Elvis, Doominator, and a pair of nincompoop flunkies wearing bowler hats have been chasing Coke and Pep across the United States all summer? You say you remember that the twins jumped off a cliff, got locked in their burning school, were pushed into a sand pit and left to die, zapped with electric shocks, lowered into boiling oil in a giant french fry machine, run down by a remote-controlled car, kidnapped on a roller coaster, dipped in soft-serve ice cream while tied up in a Mister Softee truck, swarmed by a million flying bats, pushed into a spinning clothes dryer, poisoned through their bowling shoes, and had a cow dropped on their head? (Deep breath) You say you remember that Coke and Pep's clueless parents had no idea what was going on the whole time, thinking they were simply taking a wholesome family vacation? You say you remember some of the oddball tourist

destinations the family visited along the way, such as... (Deep breath)... the Largest Ball of Twine in the World (Cawker City, Kansas), the Duct Tape Capital of the World (Avon, Ohio), the Largest Frying Pan in the World (Rose Hill, North Carolina), the National Bowling Hall of Fame (Arlington, Texas), the factory where Snickers are made (Waco, Texas), and museums devoted to Spam, Pez dispensers, hot dog buns, yo-yos, and my personal favorite, the Toilet Seat Art Museum (near San Antonio)? You say you remember the shocking, blowyour- doors-off, didn't-see-that-coming climactic ending to The Genius Files: From Texas with Love, when Coke and Pep were playing ping pong outside a motel in Roswell, New Mexico, and an alien spaceship landed and lifted the twins off the ground in a beam of bright light? You remember all that? (Deep breath)