19 South of the Border

Chapter 19 SOUTH OF THE BORDER Regular-sized things aren't all that interesting, if the truth be known. There's nothing particularly captivating about a normal frying pan, or a plain old chest of drawers. But a gigantic frying pan, or an enormous chest of drawers, or a twelve-foot-tall ball of twine is inherently fascinating. A teeny-tiny frying pan or a miniature chest of drawers would also be interesting, if such things actually existed. But they don't, outside of dollhouses. It's extremely big things that command our attention. There's something fascinating about them. Towns actually compete with each other and argue over which one has the largest whatever in the world. Why is that?

While you ponder the question, dear reader, the McDonald family is not waiting around for the answer. They're on the move, chugging along at sixty miles per hour on Highway 117 South before exiting onto Route 41. "Listen to this," Mrs. McDonald said as she read from her guidebook. "North Carolina not only has the largest frying pan and chest of drawers in the world. It also has the largest tire, the largest lighthouse, the largest hammock, the largest Ten Commandments, the largest sea hawk, and the largest strawberry!" "That's really interesting, Mom," Coke lied. "Who cares what's the biggest anything in the world?" Dr. McDonald asked, just looking for trouble. "It's not important." "I care, Ben!" Mrs. McDonald replied, giving him one of those looks. "And my readers care." That was the end of the discussion. Coke took out his cell phone so he could send a message to his sister without his parents listening in.

U THINK MOM IS INSANE? he texted. Just OCD Pep texted back. It was beautiful country in southern North Carolina. They passed by Bay Tree Lake and Bladen Lakes State Forest. When they reached the town of Lumberton, Dr. McDonald merged onto I-95, the superhighway that extends all the way from Maine down to Florida. That's when they started seeing these billboards at the side of the road. You Never Sausage A Place—20 MILES TO SOUTH OF THE BORDER Everybody Needs A Little Stuff—15 MILES TO SOUTH OF THE BORDER World's #1 Miniature Golf—10 MILES TO SOUTH OF THE BORDER It was one after the other. The signs were

unrelenting. The farther south they drove, the more frequently these billboards popped up. "What does South of the Border mean?" Pep finally asked. "Oh, you'll see," her mother replied. Soon another sign appeared in the distance. "Woo-hoo!" Coke hollered. "The Palmetto State!" "Oh, and I suppose you know what a palmetto is?" asked Pep. "Of course I do," Coke replied. "A palmetto is a type of palm tree. During the Revolutionary War, the British attacked a fort here that was made of palmetto trees. The fort didn't fall, so South Carolina became known as the Palmetto State." "I hate you," Pep said disgustedly. One of

these days, she decided, she would find some obscure fact her brother didn't know. "Don't say you hate your brother," said Dr. McDonald. "Did you know," Coke informed the family, "that in South Carolina it's illegal to keep a horse in a bathtub? That's a fact." "Oh, just shut up already," said Pep. The terrain was very flat, so even before the McDonalds had crossed the state line, they were able to see something very curious several miles in front of them. It was a tower, maybe two hundred feet high. As they got closer, they could see that perched on the top of it was, for some reason, a gigantic sombrero.

"It looks like the Eiffel Tower," Pep marveled after they had pulled off the exit, "with a Mexican theme." "What is this place?" Coke asked, craning his neck to look all around. "It's the cheesiest, schlockiest, tackiest tourist trap in the world," replied Dr. McDonald as he pulled into the immortal roadside attraction called South of the Border. "Let's go!" shouted the twins.