1 Stuff You Missed

THE GENiUS FiLES

Chapter 1 STUFF YOU MISSED There were ten items on Coke McDonald's to- do list for the month of July. But getting thrown into a giant shredder was not one of them. CLEAN THE TOILET IN THE RV was on the list. SEND POSTCARDS HOME was on the list. BUY SOUVENIRS was on the list. WORK ON SUMMER READING was on the list. But nothing about getting thrown into a giant shredder. And yet, oddly enough, getting thrown into a giant shredder was the one thing that Coke McDonald was actually going To Do during the month of July.

Wait a sec. Before I tell you how Coke McDonald was thrown into a giant shredder, it's really important for you to read a book called The Genius Files: Never Say Genius. Because if you didn't read that book, this one will make no sense at all. So ask your librarian for a copy, and read it. Then come back and start this one again. Fair enough? Go ahead, I'll wait. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm. No rush or anything. I've got all day. Okay, did you read it? You did not! Look, it's really important that you and I have an honest relationship during the time we're spending together between these covers. And if you can't be honest with me here, on page 2, what's it going to be like when we get to the big surprise ending on page 284? DON'T YOU DARE TURN TO PAGE 284 TO SEE THE SURPRISE ENDING! How could you even think of doing such a terrible thing?

Look, just read the book, okay? What do you have to do that's more important? Watch some dumb reality TV show about people baking cakes? Watch videos of cats playing the piano on YouTube? Okay, fine, don't read The Genius Files: Never Say Genius. See if I care. Look, I'll make a deal with you. If you read this book, I'll tell you what happened in the last one in just eight breaths. Deal? Okay. This is what you missed.... (Deep breath) The story started on Coke and Pepsi McDonald's thirteenth birthday—June 25. The twins were still in shock after having pushed the evil and insane Dr. Herman Warsaw out of The Infinity Room to his death at The House on the Rock in Wisconsin. They were happy with the lame birthday presents their clueless parents gave them—a bag of genuine Wisconsin cheese curds and two yellow foam cheeseheads.

The family continued on their cross-country journey that had started in California, heading for their aunt Judy's wedding in Washington, D.C., on July 4. Mrs. McDonald runs a popular website called Amazing but True. So along the way, she insisted on stopping at oddball tourist attractions, such as the National Mustard Museum (where she purchased a POUPON U toilet seat) and the National Dairy Hall of Fame (where the family learned about pioneers such as Harvey D. Thatcher, the inventor of the glass milk bottle). Wow, too bad you didn't read the book. You actually might have learned something! (Deep breath) Anyway, when they arrived at the first McDonald's restaurant in Des Plaines, Illinois, Coke and Pep encountered Archie Clone, a fellow teenage genius filer who was in fact an evil madman who aspired to follow in Dr. Warsaw's footsteps. He invited them into what

appeared to be an interactive exhibit called "The Multimedia World of French Fries," but was in fact a death trap. Seconds before Coke and his sister were dipped into boiling oil, Coke jammed his cheesehead into the gears to stop the ridiculously slow-moving wire basket and save their lives. Some birthday, huh? (Deep breath) The next stop was a Cubs game in Chicago's famed Wrigley Field, where Coke and Pep were reunited with the germ-phobic Mrs. Higgins, a hired assassin who worked for Dr. Warsaw when she wasn't teaching health at Coke and Pep's school back in California. She had given up killing innocent children, she said, and taken a job in the Cubs' public relations department (she has excellent people skills, apparently). Mrs. Higgins told the twins there was a bomb in the Cubs' dugout that would go off when they sang the last line to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." It was a lie, of course, but the result