1 What the Heck Happened

NEVER SAY GENIUS THE GENIUS FILES DAN GUTMAN

永远不要说天才天才档案丹·古特曼

Chapter 1 WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED? There were eight items on Coke McDonald's To Do list on June 25. But having his body lowered into a vat of boiling oil was not one of them. SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PEP was on the list. DO A DUMP was on the list. WASH MY CLOTHES was on the list. CLEAN UP MY STUFF was on the list. But nothing about being lowered into a vat of boiling oil. And yet, oddly enough, having his body lowered into a vat of boiling oil—along with his sister, Pepsi —was the one thing that Coke McDonald was actually going To Do on June 25.

第一章到底发生了什么？ 6月25日，可口可乐麦当劳的待办事项清单上有8项。 但是把他的尸体扔进滚烫的油缸可不是其中之一。 给PEP唱生日快乐歌也在名单上。 “倾倒垃圾”也在清单上。 “洗我的衣服”也在清单上。 清理我的东西也在清单上。 但对被放进一大桶滚烫的油里却只字未提。 然而，奇怪的是，把他的身体和他的妹妹百事可乐一起放进滚烫的油缸里，这是可口可乐麦当劳在6月25日要做的一件事。

Hold on for just a minute here. Before I tell you how Coke and Pep were lowered into a vat of boiling oil, you really need to read a book called The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable. Because if you didn't read that book, this one is going to make no sense at all. It would be pointless. So get a copy of that book and read it. Then come back and start this one again. Go ahead, I'll wait. Okay, did you read it? Liar! What do you want me to do, read it to you? You lazy bum! If you don't want to read The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable, get the audio book. If you're really lazy, you can just Google it and read the summary online. What do I have to do, tuck you into bed at night too? Sheesh. I'm busy. What's the matter with you kids today? Fine, don't read The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable. See if I care. Basically, this is what happened… (Deep breath) Coke and Pep—they're twins—were walking

稍等一下。 在我告诉你可口可乐和Pep是如何被放入滚烫的油缸之前，你真的需要读一本书，叫做《天才档案：不可阻挡的任务》。 因为如果你没读过那本书，这本书就完全没有意义了。 这毫无意义。那就找一本那本书来读吧。 然后回来重新开始。 去吧，我等你。好吧，你读了吗？ 骗子!你想让我怎么做，读给你听吗？ 你这个懒虫！如果你不想读《天才档案：不可阻挡的任务》，那就买有声书吧。 如果你真的很懒，你可以把它放在b谷歌上，然后在网上阅读摘要。 我该怎么做，晚上把你也哄上床吗？ 震惊或印象深刻。我很忙。你们这些孩子今天怎么了？ 好吧，别读《天才档案：不可阻挡的任务》 看看我是否在乎。基本上，事情是这样的……（深呼吸）可口可乐和百事可乐——他们是双胞胎——在走路

home from their school in California when a mysterious guy wearing a bowler hat started chasing them in a golf cart. Some lady wearing all red named Mya appeared out of nowhere and threw an exploding Frisbee grenade to take out the bowler dude. But Coke and Pep had to jump off a cliff after Mya got hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart shot by another mysterious bowler dude (the first guy's brother) riding a golf cart. Luckily, Mya had given the twins wingsuits to wear, so they could jump off the cliff, fly through the air, and land safely on the beach. (Deep breath) Following me so far? Good. You see, what Coke and Pep didn't realize was that they had been recruited to be part of a secret government program run by the eccentric Dr. Herman Warsaw. He's a genius inventor who had decided that the grown-ups of the world were hopeless. The only way to solve our problems would be to use the skills of the smartest kids in America. He called his program—wait for it—"The Genius

当一个戴着圆顶礼帽的神秘男子开着高尔夫球车追赶他们时，他们从加州的学校回家了。 不知从哪里冒出来一个穿红衣服叫米亚的女人，扔了一个爆炸的飞盘手榴弹，要把那个玩保龄球的家伙带走。 但是可口可乐和佩普不得不跳下悬崖，因为米娅被另一个骑着高尔夫球车的神秘保龄球手（第一个家伙的哥哥）射出的镇定剂飞镖击中了脖子。 幸运的是，米亚给这对双胞胎穿上了飞行服，这样他们就可以从悬崖上跳下来，在空中飞行，安全降落在海滩上。 （深吸一口气）能听懂吗？ 好。你看，可口可乐和佩普没有意识到的是，他们被招募加入了一个秘密的政府项目。 赫尔曼华沙。他是一个天才的发明家，他认为世界上的成年人是没有希望的。 解决我们问题的唯一办法就是利用美国最聪明的孩子们的技能。 他把他的程序命名为——等等——“天才”

Files." As a reward for being a part of this dangerous program, the kids were promised a million dollars when they turned twenty-one. Unfortunately, it didn't look like Coke and Pep would ever reach that birthday, because someone was trying very hard to kill them. The next day at school, they were locked in the detention room and almost burned alive when the school was set on fire. The fire was set by their germ-phobic health teacher, Mrs. Higgins, who turned out to be an evil psychopath. Fortunately, the twins were rescued by the obese deaf/mute janitor Bones, who turned out to be skinny and quite talkative after he removed his fat suit. Bones was part of The Genius Files team (as was Mya). To track the McDonald twins' every move, he used a staple gun to implant tiny GPS devices designed by Dr. Warsaw in their skulls. (Deep breath) Still with me? Great! The next day the twins started on a cross-country summer RV trip with their clueless parents, who

文件。”作为参与这个危险项目的奖励，这些孩子们被承诺在他们21岁时获得一百万美元。 不幸的是，可口可乐和佩普似乎活不到那个生日了，因为有人在拼命地想要杀了他们。 第二天在学校，他们被关在拘留所里，差点被活活烧死。 纵火的人是他们有细菌恐惧症的健康老师希金斯夫人，结果发现她是个邪恶的精神病患者。 幸运的是，这对双胞胎被肥胖的聋哑人看门人骨头救了出来，他脱下肥胖的西装后变得很瘦，而且很健谈。 Bones是《天才档案》团队的一员（Mya也是）。 为了追踪麦克唐纳双胞胎的一举一动，他用一个钉书钉枪植入了由麦克唐纳博士设计的微型GPS设备。 在他们的头骨上。（深呼吸）还在听吗？ 太棒了!第二天，这对双胞胎和他们毫无头绪的父母开始了一次横穿全国的夏季房车旅行

must never learn about The Genius Files program. Along the way to their Aunt Judy's wedding in Washington, D.C., Coke and Pep… Watched a building blow up moments after they left it. Were pushed into a ditch at the top of a singing sand dune in Nevada and left to die there. Witnessed their dad go through his midlife crisis by seeing how fast he could drive the RV on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. Visited lots of oddball tourist destinations (a museum devoted to Pez dispensers, the National Yo-Yo Museum, the largest ball of twine in the world, and the second largest ball of twine in the world), because their mom runs a popular website called Amazing but True. Were thrown into a giant vat of SPAM in Minnesota. Dropped five days' worth of human waste

绝对不能知道天才文件计划 在去华盛顿朱迪阿姨婚礼的路上，可口可乐和佩普看到一座大楼在他们离开后不久就爆炸了。 他们被推入了内华达州一个歌唱沙丘顶部的沟里，在那里死去。 在犹他州的邦纳维尔盐滩上，目睹了他们的父亲如何快速驾驶房车，度过了他的中年危机。 因为他们的妈妈经营着一个名为“神奇但真实”的热门网站，他们参观了许多奇怪的旅游目的地（一个专门展示Pez糖果盒的博物馆，国家溜溜球博物馆，世界上最大的线球，世界上第二大的线球）。 被扔进明尼苏达州的一个大桶里。 扔下了5天的人类排泄物