14 The Wicked Witch of the Wilderwest

14. THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WILDERWEST 'Ooh dear, she looks nasty,' whispered the Wodensfang as they came out of the darkness and into the light and the cauldron hit the top of the well with a CLUNK. 'Give me the Crown…' hissed the witch, eyes a-gleam, fingers pointing warningly towards Hiccup like knives. She was a sight to make a man faint, she was, faint with fear on the spot. Toothless was so terrified that he forgot he was supposed to be being helpful. He tried to do his normal dive down the front of Hiccup's

waistcoat, remembered at the last minute that it was currently occupied by the Wodensfang, so lifted up Hiccup's helmet instead, and crawled under there to hide. 'Give me my father, first,' said Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third. The witch smiled, and what a nasty smile it was. She twirled her fingernails, each pointed nail gleaming with death. 'Now, Hiccup,' cooed the witch, 'you are an intelligent boy. You know that it isn't wise to trust the word of a Treacherous. The clue is in the name, really. You will give me that Crown, and you will hand over the King's Things, or else I shall scratch you to death,' grinned the witch. 'For it is better for you to be a live Nothing, than a dead Hero.' 'In which case,' said Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, walking towards the cupboard, 'I choose not to give you anything at all, for I am not afraid of you.' 'You should be!' shrieked the witch, 'You should be!' The witch wrestled him for

a second, hand-to-hand, so that Hiccup's palms were dyed purple with the poison. And then she scratched him as he walked, and the fingernails pierced the fire- suit. Hiccup carried on walking. She pierced him again. Nothing. Hiccup carried on walking. Again and again she scratched him, raked him with those poisoned talons, scraping deep into his skin, dripping poison on his hands, but still he walked, calmly towards the cupboard. This had never happened to the witch before. First, she was bewildered, and then she became scared herself. 'Who ARE you?' she asked querulously. 'Why are you not scared?' she screeched, suddenly small and frightened. 'You know that these fingernails are poisoned with the most deadly poison known to man. Death is scary. How can you not be scared of Death itself?' Hiccup smiled. He looked the witch in the eyes. 'I am not scared because I know something that you do not know. The most deadly poison known

to man is Vorpent poison, and I am immune to the poison of the Venomous Vorpent. Ask your son to tell you the story. It was all his fault, really.' The witch screamed as if someone had thrown a bucket of boiling water over her. One second she was this swooping, vengeful Fury. The next she crumpled in on herself, like a collapsing deck of cards. Hiccup carried on walking to the cupboard. He took out the key-that-opens-all-locks with trembling hands. Please, Thor, let him be in here… He MUST be in here, for the key is one of the King's Things and I haven't used it yet… Hiccup opened the door with the key. There in the cupboard were the two heads of Stoick the Vast and UG the Uglithug…

For one dreadful moment, Hiccup thought that was all there was, for he had heard a horrible fairytale once about a witch who kept heads in cupboards… …but thankfully the heads were attached to the rest of their bodies. THANK THOR AND FREYA AND WODEN AND EVERYONE ELSE! Giddy with relief, Hiccup cut the ropes and gags that bound Stoick and UG and they staggered out of the cupboard. 'Father!' cried Hiccup, and 'Hiccup!' cried Stoick, and it is difficult to know who was happier, as they enveloped each other in a joyful embrace. UG staggered out of that cupboard like a deflated balloon. He had had a particularly dreadful time with the witch, who had kept on taking him out of the cupboard and beating him at chess, before putting him back in again, and saying she might kill him tomorrow. The experience had been a humbling one.* *The witch may have wanted to pay UG back for imprisoning her for twenty years in a tree trunk. Please see How to Break a Dragon's Heart. 'Hop in,' said Hiccup genially to the witch, pointing his sword Endeavour at her, and opening wide the cupboard door. Well, what could the witch do?

Her venom had no bite any more. She was like a rattle snake with no rattle. A puff adder with no puff. A Hero with no mojo. Her scary fingernails drooped. 'Quick! Quick!' said Hiccup. The witch got in the cupboard. Hiccup reached out with the Sword Endeavour, and cut the key from around her neck. He locked the door of the cupboard twice, with both keys, just to make sure. 'By the way,' he shouted through the keyhole. 'You're very good at the "wicked" stuff, but you're terrible at chess.' He walked to the chess table and moved a pawn one space. 'Checkmate,' said Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third. Stoick and UG the Uglithug stared at him open- mouthed. 'We've got to get the others up now,' said Hiccup briskly. 'Get that handle moving. Quick! Quick!' With the bulging muscles of Stoick the Vast and UG the Uglithug working the handle, well, that