5 The Twelfth Fiancé of Tantrum O’UGerly

5. THE TWELFTH FIANCÉ OF TANTRUM O'UGERLY Hiccup turned to Fishlegs in horror. 'It wasn't you, was it Fishlegs?' he hissed desperately at his friend. Of course it couldn't have been… Fishlegs was only thirteen and a quarter. He was far too young to be sending love poetry to beautiful sulky princesses with homicidal maniacs for fathers… But Fishlegs was redder than a sunset. He pushed his glasses further on to his nose, and mumbled so low that Hiccup could barely hear him. 'Um…' he coughed. 'I've been practising my poetry, you see. It's quite a good poem, don't you think?' said Fishlegs, proud of his artistic effort, despite the peril of the moment. 'Although the word "quadraped" is not very poetic… I had some trouble with it… poetry isn't as easy as it looks…' 'What are you talking about, you loon?' hissed Hiccup. 'Who cares if it's a good poem or not? Uglithugs are not exactly particular about their poetry. They're much better at removing people's heads and tying their arms in complicated reef knots. The thing is, why in Woden's name did you send her the beastly

poem in the first place?' Fishlegs was now whiter than a piece of paper. 'I just thought she was quite pretty, and so she was inspiring my poetry. The thing is,' explained Fishlegs, 'I'm not sure whether the whole Hooligan Warrior, swords-and-axes, grunting-and-thumping thing is really working out for me. So I was just thinking that if I failed the Training Programme which let's face it is quite likely, I could always start out as a poet, make my way up to being a wandering minstrel, maybe end up as a BARD, even…' 'It's a good idea, Fishlegs, I'm not knocking it,' said Hiccup, 'but let's talk about your career options later. Now we have a problem.' 'I'm sorry, Hiccup,' said Fishlegs. Fishlegs took his glasses off and put them on again in a harassed sort of way. He swallowed hard. 'What do you think he's going to do to me?' he whispered back to Hiccup. 'He's going to kill you,' Hiccup explained patiently. 'Horribly but Mercifully Quickly if you're Lucky.' 'You think so?' said Fishlegs quaveringly. 'I not only think so, I know so,' said Hiccup. 'To even GET to be one of her fiancés in the first place

you have to be of ROYAL BLOOD. I'm afraid we are living in prejudiced times, and by my reckoning that means death-on-the-spot for you.' 'OK,' smiled UG, 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the culprit to own up. I'll count to five. One… two… three…' 'I have to own up,' Fishlegs whispered. 'Or else we'll ALL get killed. It's been nice knowing you, Hiccup.' four…' said UG warningly. Fishlegs got unsteadily to his feet, and shakily wiped his steamed- up glasses on his shirtfront, before jamming them back on his nose with determination. 'Wait!' Hiccup whispered. 'I think I may have a plan!' 'A clever one?' replied Fishlegs hopefully. 'Oh for Thor's sake,' said Hiccup. 'Clever-ish. There's no time to be fussy…' 'STOP!' yelled Hiccup.

Everyone turned round and looked at him. Oh brother. This was going to be hard. 'I wrote the poem,' said Hiccup. There was a short, astonished silence. Hiccup couldn't look at Snotlout or Dogsbreath the Duhbrain, who were beside themselves with glee. 'YOUR HEIR wrote the poem, Stoick,' chuckled UG the Uglithug, leaning back in the Throne and taking a good long puff on his cigar. 'I KNEW there'd be a happy ending.' 'Hiccup!' cried Stoick the Vast. 'YOU didn't write this letter, did you?' 'I'm afraid so, Father,' lied Hiccup. SNORT SNORT SNORT went Snotlout and Dogsbreath the Duhbrain. 'What does this mean?' said Stoick the Vast, trying to take it in. 'It means,' drawled UG the Uglithug, very, very pleased with himself, 'that according to our Barbaric Code, your son Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, being of Royal Blood, has had the excellent good luck to become the latest Fiancé of my dearly beloved daughter, Princess Tantrum O'UGerly.' 'But… but… but…' blustered Stoick the Vast,

trying to focus on just one of the reasons that he felt that this was a gob-smackingly bad idea. 'What about the age gap?' 'I don't think you'll find the age gap is a problem,' grinned UG the Uglithug. 'To actually MARRY my daughter, he would have to pass the Impossible Task that I set.' 'You said the "latest" Fiancé,' said Hiccup. 'How many Fiancés have you actually HAD, Princess Tantrum?' 'Eleven,' said Tantrum, tossing her hair and throwing her father a look so furious that his beard should have gone up in flames on the spot. 'That's counting the Fiancé-Before-the-Fiancé-Before- Last, who is the one I love and am actually going to marry…' 'Love!' sneered UG the Uglithug. 'A princess can't marry for LOVE! Besides, I am not sure that the Fiancé-Before-the-Fiancé-Before-Last really counts because I think he was lying about his Royal Blood.' 'I am not going to marry somebody just because they have stay-at-home Royal Blood, Father!' stormed Tantrum. 'I am sick of castles and roofs and bodyguards and jewels. I am going to marry a HERO. I am going to marry my Hero, and sail into the sunset,

and sleep under the stars, and live by the sword, and let our boat take us wherever the wind blows us. I am going to marry my Hero, the Fiancé-Before-the- Fiancé-Before-Last, who is the one I love!' 'Yes, well there's a tiny problem about that, isn't there, Tantrum?' smiled UG the Uglithug. 'Your Hero never returned from the Impossible Task… If he was a true Hero, he would have returned.' 'He will return…' said Tantrum stubbornly, tossing her beautiful hair and crossing her arms. 'He will return. I'm waiting for him.' 'Of course you can wait, Tantrum my dear,' said UG the Uglithug. 'But you may be waiting a long time. You may be waiting for ever.' 'I can wait a long time,' said Tantrum. 'I can wait for ever.' 'Well, you just keep on waiting,' cooed UG the Uglithug. 'Don't let me stop you. In the meantime,' he turned to Stoick the Vast, 'my only criteria for my daughter Tantrum's hand-in-marriage is Royal Blood…' ('HA!' snorted Tantrum and tossed her hair.) '…and for the Fiancé to provide one barrel of mead for the honeymoon.'* Stoick the Vast cheered up like anything. 'Is THAT the Impossible Task?' he said eagerly. 'That