4 Tea with UG the Uglithug

4. TEA WITH UG THE UGLITHUG 'Tea?' said Stoick in a slightly dazed way. 'But it's the middle of the night!' 'From the sound of the Berserks I should say it was about three o'clock in the morning,' said UG the Uglithug. 'They don't really get going with their Dead- of-Night Ceremony until two. Interesting choice of camping spot, by the way, Stoick…' 'It isn't perfect,' Stoick admitted gloomily. The horrible howling from the Isle of Berserk intensified, at a pitch that made goosebumps creep up on the arms as if you were being stroked by nettles and the individual hairs on the back of your neck go shooting upwards like the tentacles on a spiny sea urchin. 'Let's say… ten to three,' amended UG the Uglithug, cocking his head as he listened to the noise. 'Whatever,' said Stoick. 'It's quite late for tea. And I've already eaten.' 'Oh but I insist,' smiled UG the Uglithug. 'Just a picnic, you know, Stoick. A little ten-to-three snack, to welcome you to the Uglithug lands. It's always better to have a difficult conversation over a spot of food.'

He clapped his hands. UG's boat was moored beside the broken down The Fat Penguin, and from it the grinning Uglithugs brought out plates and spoons and glasses of mead and hunks of deer and milk and bread and everything you might need for a little snack at ten to three in the morning. Toothless had not had supper with everybody else earlier, because he had been so tired on account of missing his two naps. He had fallen asleep while eating, poor Toothless, just nodded off with his head in the soup, and Hiccup had washed his face and snuggled him up in his waistcoat rather than disturb him. He had slept right through the howling horrifying sound of the Berserk Dead-of-Night Ceremony, and the subsequent Uglithug attack. It was only now that he smelt food that he put his little snuffling nose outside Hiccup's waistcoat and opened bleary eyes. 'F-f-foood!' said Toothless with little whimpers of excitement, instantly drooling, he was so hungry. 'Toothless s-s-s-starving!' 'Now, Toothless, calmly,' warned Hiccup, holding the haddock up to him on a spoon, 'I know you're hungry but don't eat it all at once… it always gives

you a tummy-ache… slowly, Toothless… little bites… slowly… TOOTHLESS!' Too late. So keen was greedy little Toothless, so hungry was he from flying all over the coves looking for Camicazi, that he not only gobbled up the haddock in one, eager gulp… …he also ate the spoon. 'Oh, Toothless,' sighed Hiccup, breaking off as he saw that UG the Uglithug's daughter was joining them for the meal. Hiccup had caught a glimpse of her before, at the Annual Games, surrounded by bodyguards. 'This is my dear little daughter, Tantrum O'UGerly,' said UG the Uglithug. UG's dear little daughter Tantrum was about six foot two with a lot of flame-red hair and green eyes. A beautiful red Snaredragon had made a nest on her head and she was feeding it acorns. She looked spectacularly beautiful and spectacularly cross. 'Oh for Thor's sake…' squeaked Fishlegs, blushing absolutely scarlet, 'she's looking at us… she's smiling at us… she's waving at us!

Act natural… act cool… nobody panic…' Fishlegs turned first red, then white, and was so overcome with the emotion of the moment that he fainted dead away, and fell off his chair. 'Oh, very cool, Fishlegs,' said Hiccup, bringing him round and helping him up to the table again, 'very suave. FAINTING always impresses these Amazon Viking hell- kittens. I have to hand it to you, you really know how to wow the ladies. You'll be a real heart-breaker when you get older.' 'Has she stopped looking at us?' asked Fishlegs, with his eyes closed. 'Hang on a second… keep your eyes closed… she's still laughing… and pointing…' said Hiccup. 'No… she's stopped now. She's picking her nose and talking to her neighbour again. You're quite safe, you can open your eyes.' 'She looked at me…' sighed Fishlegs, his hand on his heart. 'Tantrum O'UGerly looked at me… and smiled at me… and waved at me… She's an angel! She's a goddess!' Hiccup stared at Fishlegs as if he was crazy. 'What's the matter with you, Fishlegs, have you gone

bananas?' Hiccup checked Fishlegs's eyes for any Berserk tendencies. They tended to go a bit pink when he was in a Berserk kind of mood. 'And where have you seen UG's daughter before?' 'I saw her once at the Annual Games,' admitted Fishlegs. 'My daughter means a lot to me, Stoick,' said UG, with a hint of menace in his tone. 'This is a question of honour and the Barbaric Code. You know the rules. Whoever writes love letters to a daughter without asking permission from the father, must instantly ask for her hand-in-marriage or it is an intolerable insult to her and to her entire Tribe.' Now, in the Barbaric Archipelago, weirdly, one of the most dangerous things you could possibly do was to fall in LOVE. Strangely, it was far more risky than Dragon-riding, or swordfighting, or any of the other perilous pursuits that a young Viking undertook. 'However, as the rules clearly state,' said UG briskly, 'IF the person who wrote these letters is of Royal Blood, they can try and win my daughter's hand by completing a single Impossible Task of MY choosing.' 'And what if the letter-writer is NOT of Royal Blood?' asked Hiccup.

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