3 Definitely NOT the Perfect Camping Spot

3. DEFINITELY NOT THE PERFECT CAMPING SPOT It could only be one of three things really. It could be the Ghost-Lady of the Beach come for their hearts. It could be a Berserk looking for another human to sacrifice. Or it could be an Uglithug wanting to kill them Horribly but Mercifully Quickly if they were Lucky. All three of those things were worth a pretty good scream, a real belter in fact, and Hiccup opened up his mouth. But a great hairy hand closed over it. Hiccup could only watch with terrified, popping eyes as quiet dark shadowy figures poured over the brow of the beach and positioned themselves silently behind every Hooligan's head. The figure in the Throne was shrouded in darkness. Hiccup could see the magnificent stag-horned outline of his helmet against the night sky. He was slowly smoking a

cigar that glowed bright in the moonlight. He made a motion with his hand, and every Hooligan around that campfire was awoken with a knife to his throat. Every Hooligan except for Stoick. Stoick snored on, regardless. The figure seated in the Throne got up and strolled towards the sleeping Stoick. He gave him a gentle kick. Stoick the Vast snatched the bearskin blanket from his head and sat up indignantly. 'Wossat? Who's there?' He made a sleepy grab for his axe. The horned figure made another slight gesture with his hand, and quiet shadowy figures drew the Throne closer to the Fire. 'UG the Uglithug! What are YOU doing here?' gulped Stoick the Vast, his axe already drooping in his hand in dismay that all of his Warriors had knives held at their throats. Stoick the Vast was a little slow on the uptake, but even he could see it didn't look good. They were on Uglithug land, and the chewed bones of Uglithug mackerel were littered all around their campfire. 'Well you know, Stoick,' purred UG the Uglithug.

His smile was the smile of a tiger being friendly. 'It is MY beach…' Most of the Chieftains Hiccup had come across were tough but a little dim. UG was scary because he was not only the most powerful and brutal King in the Barbaric World, whose territories stretched so far that a dragon could fly east for a week and never reach the end of them, he was also highly intelligent. 'I can explain, UG!' gasped Stoick the Vast. 'Live and let live is my philosophy, Stoick,' smiled UG the Uglithug. 'All you Chieftains out there in the wild west are burglars. If you want to burgle each other, and raid each other, and murder each other, do I interfere? I do not. As long as you don't try and burgle ME,' said UG, who had stopped laughing with terrible abruptness and now spoke with pure menace, 'because then that is my business. If anyone tries to burgle ME, then…' UG let the sentence trail off suggestively. '…Then you kill them Horribly,' said Stoick eagerly, pleased he now knew what UG was talking about, 'but Mercifully Quickly if they're Lucky. Yes, I know that, UG…' 'Well done, Stoick, well done,' said UG. 'I'm glad to hear it. But you see, Stoick, my Spy-dragons tell me

that you have come here, uninvited, in the middle of the night, with all your army…' He gestured at Stoick's ships with his cigar. 'A suspicious man might say that by planting your Throne on my beaches you are laying claim to my lands. Some people might say that wasn't very friendly…' 'No, no, UG, it isn't like that!' blustered Stoick the Vast. 'That isn't my Throne! We just found it lying here on the beach!' UG the Uglithug smiled, and it wasn't a pretty sight. 'You are an old friend, Stoick,' said UG, and now his voice had hardened to ice, 'but even your friends would say that you have never been the brightest barbarian in the business. If it isn't your Throne, why is the Hooligan coat of arms plastered all over the back of it?' UG leant back in the Throne and jammed his cigar back between his teeth. He lifted his arm. Hiccup could see that all the Uglithugs, their knives poised over the Hooligans' throats, had their eyes on that arm, and he knew that if UG's arm came down, they would all be executed on the spot. Hiccup bit the finger of the brute who was covering his mouth, and shouted: 'BIG-BOOBIED BERTHA KNOWS WE ARE HERE!'

UG the Uglithug's cigar hovered thoughtfully in the air. 'Let the boy speak,' said UG the Uglithug at last. The Uglithug holding Hiccup let him go, and he sprawled on the sand. 'And who,' said UG softly, 'is this?' 'This is my son and Heir, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third,' said Stoick the Vast hurriedly. 'That's a very long name for a very small Heir,' said UG. 'And what do you have to say for yourself, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third?' 'This is not a raid. We are out looking for Bertha's child who went missing in the Storm,' said Hiccup. 'That Throne, if you look at it closely, has been underwater for at least a hundred years. It must have belonged to one of our ancestors and been washed up by the storm. And Big-Boobied Bertha will ask some awkward questions if the entire Hooligan Tribe disappears while on a perfectly peaceful mission in Uglithug territory.' UG the Uglithug looked carefully at Hiccup. 'I could tell her it was all a tragic mistake,' said UG the Uglithug, stroking his beard. 'Questions would be asked,' repeated Hiccup firmly. 'Suspicions would be raised. Bodies would

be difficult to hide.' 'A clever little Hooligan,' said UG thoughtfully. 'A politician, in fact. In the Hooligan Tribe! Well, there's an interesting development.' He smoked his cigar in the darkness of the evening for a moment or two. UG the Uglithug spread wide his arms. 'I believe you, Stoick!' he shouted. He shook Stoick heartily by the hand. The entire Uglithug Tribe removed their knives from the Hooligans' throats and took a step back. 'Do you?' said Stoick, letting out a huge breath of relief, but slightly amazed. 'I DO!' bellowed UG. 'I WAS NEVER GOING TO KILL YOU! IT WAS JUST A JOKE!' 'A joke?' said Stoick. 'HA HA HA!' roared UG the Uglithug. 'Ha ha ha,' replied Stoick. 'HA HA HA HA HA,' roared the Uglithugs and the Hooligans, some of them more heartily than others. 'I HAD A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASON FOR COMING DOWN HERE TO SPEAK TO YOU! ISN'T THAT FUNNY?' laughed UG the Uglithug.