12 Alphonse the Talented–but–Emotional French Chef

12. ALPHONSE THE TALENTED-BUT-EMOTIONAL FRENCH CHEF Alvin the Treacherous was Hiccup's arch-enemy. The last time Hiccup met him he thought he really HAD got rid of him, for in front of Hiccup's eyes Alvin had been swallowed by a Fire-Dragon that then dived down into a volcano. How could even Alvin have escaped from the fiery waters of the Earth's core? But, then again, there were things about Alvin that made him easy to recognise. One eye covered by a black eye patch, the other glinting with evil. One leg stamping and muscly, the other capped at the knee with an ivory stump. The moonlight bouncing off his paper-white skull. These are the kind of features that you don't really forget about a person, even if you haven't seen them in quite a while. The only difference was that Alvin used to have a large and arrogant nose. This man had no nose at all. Which is never a good look. He had fashioned himself a nose out of wood,

12. 天才但情绪化的法国厨师阿尔文是小嗝嗝的死敌。 上次小嗝嗝见到他的时候，他以为自己真的摆脱了他，因为在小嗝嗝的眼前，阿尔文被一条火龙吞了下去，然后又掉进了火山里。 即使是阿尔文号也怎么能从地核炽热的海水中逃脱呢？ 但是，话又说回来，阿尔文的一些特质让他很容易被认出来。 一只眼睛蒙着黑眼罩，另一只眼睛闪烁着邪恶的光芒。 一条腿踏着，肌肉发达，另一条腿在膝盖处有一个象牙残肢。 月光在他纸一样白的脑壳上反射。 这些是你不会忘记一个人的特征，即使你很久没见过他们了。 唯一不同的是，阿尔文以前有一个又大又傲慢的鼻子。 这个人根本没有鼻子。 这从来都不好看。 他用木头给自己做了一个鼻子，

and tied it on, roughly in the right place, with an attractive bit of twine, but frankly, from a purely superficial 'looks' point of view, you can't really beat a nose made out of flesh, even if it is a little on the large side. The flesh nose hadn't been HANDSOME, precisely, but it was unobjectionable in a snooty kind of way. The wooden nose was just plain scary. 'ALVIN THE TREACHEROUS!' exclaimed Hiccup, one inch away from that horrible glinting eye. Alvin the Treacherous! He'd KNOWN there was something funny about that French Chef… Alphonse indeed… Alvin did not attempt to deny it. 'Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third,' he replied, with a grim jubilation in his tone.

然后用一根吸引人的绳子把鼻子绑在合适的地方，但坦白地说，从纯粹表面的“外观”来看，你真的无法打败一个肉做的鼻子，即使它有点大。 确切地说，肉鼻子并不漂亮，但从某种傲慢的角度来说，它是无可非议的。 木鼻子太吓人了。 “奸诈的阿尔文！”嗝嗝喊道，离那只可怕的闪闪发光的眼睛只有一英寸远。 叛徒阿尔文！他早就知道那个法国厨师——确实是阿尔方斯——身上有什么好笑的地方，阿尔文并没有试图否认。 “希卡普·可怕的黑道克三世，”他回答，语气中带着一种阴郁的喜悦。

'Why are you here?' whispered Hiccup, white with terror. 'What are you doing here?' Alvin grinned. 'I am here to gloat, of course,' he said. 'Oh, how I have dreamt of this moment… you have no idea… I expect you are wondering how I escaped from the Fire-dragon and the volcano?' Hiccup wasn't wondering about this, because he was more concerned about how he was going to BREATHE when Alvin was choking him so hard. 'I expect you thought I was dead, and I nearly was,

“你为什么在这儿？”小嗝嗝小声说，吓得脸色发白。 “你在这儿干什么？”阿尔文咧嘴一笑。 “我当然是来幸灾乐祸的，”他说。 “哦，我多么梦想着这一刻……你不知道……我想你在想我是怎么从火龙和火山那里逃出来的吧？”小嗝嗝对此并不感到奇怪，因为他更关心的是，当阿尔文把他掐得那么紧的时候，他该如何呼吸。 “我想你以为我死了，我也差点死了，

thanks to you,' purred Alvin the Treacherous. 'The heat melted my nose, but luckily I was wearing my Fire-Suit, which protected the rest of me. As the Fire- dragon swallowed me,' smiled Alvin, 'I plunged my sword into the stomach of the Exterminator Dragon I was riding. Dragon stomachs contain large amounts of laughing gas…' said Alvin craftily. 'The Exterminator exploded inside the Fire-dragon's throat into great bubbles of gas, one of which had me in the middle of it.' Hiccup's scared brain could barely think. Perhaps he should shout, and wake up the Fiancés? But they couldn't do anything, all chained up as they were. 'The bubbles forced their way out of the Fire-dragon's nose in a great snort of laughter, and rose up through the Lava, out of the Volcano, and floated out across the skies of the Archipelago. For hours and hours I drifted, stumbling about, trying to burst that revolting

“多亏了你。”背信弃义的阿尔文咕噜着。 “热融化了我的鼻子，但幸运的是我穿着防火服，保护了我的身体。” “火龙把我吞下去的时候，”阿尔文笑着说，“我把剑刺进了我骑的灭虫龙的肚子里。 龙的胃里有大量的笑气……”阿尔文狡猾地说。 “灭虫剂在火龙的喉咙里爆炸了，喷出了许多大气泡，其中一个气泡把我夹在了中间。”小嗝嗝害怕得几乎无法思考。 也许他应该大喊一声，把未婚夫们吵醒？ 但他们什么也做不了，因为他们都被锁起来了。 泡泡发出一声大笑，冲出火龙的鼻子，从熔岩中升起，冲出火山，飘过群岛的天空。 我漂流了好几个小时，跌跌撞撞地走来走去，想把这种反感发泄出来

bubble, stomach contents, and laughing manically from the laughing gas…' 'YUCKY…' groaned Hiccup.

打嗝，胃里有东西，还因为笑气而狂笑……”

'Quite so,' said Alvin. 'Until I happened by chance to drift over the island of Berserk, and my bubble was shot down by a Berserk arrow. I fell from the sky like a stone, landing on the head of Berserk's Chief Chef, and killing him outright. Chief Berserk explained he was going to slaughter me as a punishment'– (Alvin's teeth smiled on, but he had the watchful look of a cobra about to strike in his one good eye, and Hiccup kept on looking at that hook)– 'so I told him that I, too, was a Chef. He believed me, the fool, and I have been cooking for him ever since, three meals a day, may his toes turn to coral. But it was worth it, Hiccup… all worth it for this moment… Here you are, imprisoned in a cage, alone and afraid, facing a terrible death… and I am going to kill you now, Death by Hook!' Alvin threw back his head to laugh. Hiccup's heart was beating as quick and fast as the heart of a bird caught in the paws of a malevolent fox, and his hands were clammy with sweat. But he forced himself to speak calmly and politely. 'I'm not sure that I would say that you were "free as a bird", Alvin…' Alvin stopped mid-laugh, and turned his glittering eye to Hiccup. 'What do you mean?' he said

“没错，”阿尔文说。直到我偶然漂过狂暴岛，我的泡泡被狂暴之箭射落。 我像石头一样从天上掉下来，砸在狂暴厨师长的头上，把他当场打死了。 “狂暴酋长解释说，他要把我宰了，作为惩罚。”（阿尔文呲着牙笑着，但他那警觉的表情就像一条眼镜蛇要袭击他那只完好的眼睛，小嗝嗝一直盯着那个钩子）——“所以我告诉他，我也是大厨。 他相信了我的话，这个傻瓜，从那以后我就一直给他做饭，一天三餐，但愿他的脚趾变成珊瑚。 “但这一切都是值得的，小嗝嗝……为了这一刻，一切都是值得的……你就在这里，被囚禁在笼子里，孤独而恐惧，面临可怕的死亡……我现在就要杀了你，‘钩死法’！”阿尔文仰起头笑了起来。 小嗝嗝的心跳得飞快，就像一只被恶毒的狐狸爪子夹住的鸟的心脏一样，他的双手被汗水湿透了。 但他强迫自己平静而礼貌地说话。 “我不确定我会说你‘像鸟一样自由’，阿尔文……”阿尔文笑到一半停了下来，把闪闪发光的眼睛转向小嗝嗝。 “你是什么意思？”他说