11 The Fiancé-Before-the-Fiancé-Before-Last

11. THE FIANCé-BEFORE-THE FIANCé-BEFORE-LAST 'I'm sorry, Fishlegs,' whispered Hiccup, from the darkness of the cage suspended way way way above the forest floor. 'Oh, don't worry,' sighed Fishlegs, his voice still tight with disappointment. 'I wouldn't exactly be thrilled to find that I was related to these guys anyway. Even by Archipelago standards they seem more than extraordinarily loopy. It's just that it would be nice, just once, to be the Hero and not the Big Joke. And it would be nice to know who my family were.' 'We're your family, us Hooligans,' whispered Hiccup. 'Toothless and me. In the meantime.' There was another long pause. 'Thanks for following me, Hiccup,' Fishlegs whispered back after some time. 'Excuse me,' said a voice from the cage next door, the moonlight illuminating a young man wearing a helmet with the distinctive horns of the Lost Tribe. 'Sorry to disturb, but the guy two cages down would like to have a word with you.' 'HICCUP!' bellowed a hearty voice from three

cages down. 'HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD! I COULDN'T REALLY SEE WHO YOU WERE WITH ALL THOSE BERSERKS ROUND YOU, BUT FANCY MEETING YOU HERE!' 'Who's that?' whispered Hiccup, trying to squint through the cages and the darkness, and seeing nothing but the dim outline of someone bobbing up and down with excitement. 'It's me!' bellowed the voice. 'Humungously Hotshot the Hero! Don't you remember? Lava-Lout island? The thousands and thousands of Exterminator Dragons? The volcano exploding?* Now that was a tight spot…' *You can read about this in How to Twist a Dragon's Tale. A ripple of excitement went along the cages. 1st Fiancé: 'I don't believe it! It's Humungously Hotshot the Hero!' 5th Fiancé: 'It's almost worth being fed horribly to the Beast, just to have the pleasure of meeting the bravest, coolest man in the Archipelago…' 8th Fiancé: 'NONSENSE! I am in fact the bravest, coolest man in the Archipelago, and I notice that this Hotshot has lost some weight. A proper Hero has a good proper belly…' 5th Fiancé: 'How dare you say that about

Humungously Hotshot the Hero! Reach for your sword and meet me with steel!' 8th Fiancé: (promptly) 'Whenever and Wheresoever you wish!' 5th Fiancé: (between gritted teeth) 'Your face, is uglier than a baboon's bottom…' 8th Fiancé: 'And you have the mug of a pig with the plague…'

5th Fiancé: 'FOOL!' 8th Fiancé: 'MORON!' 5th Fiancé: 'VEGETARIAN!' And if only they had been free, the Fiancés would clearly have been swordfighting madly, but as it was they were heavily chained and trussed up, so all they could do was throw themselves wildly about their cages, which they did with gusto.

'Ignore them,' grinned Humungous, 'they do that all day long. What are you doing here, Hiccup?' 'I seem to be Princess Tantrum's twelfth Fiancé. And how about YOU?' asked Hiccup, immensely cheered by the presence of Humungous, whom he admired enormously. 'I thought you would Never Love Again?' Humungous's last Impossible Task had led to him spending fifteen years in the Lava-Lout Jail Forges, which was enough to put anybody off. 'Oh, that was before I met HER,' said Humungous rapturously, and he shook a Heroic fist at the moon above. 'CAN'T A MAN HAVE A SECOND CHANCE?' he shouted at the starry heavens. 1st Fiancé: 'YOU BETCHA!' 3rd Fiancé: 'TOO RIGHT…' 5th Fiancé: 'YESSIREE!' The Fiancés rattled their cages madly. 'IT IS AN HONOUR TO DIE FOR THE LOVE OF PRINCESS TANTRUM!' cried Humungous, Heroic to the last. And now the you betchas and the yessirees were a little more thoughtful from the other Fiancés, as if they hadn't bargained on actually dying for their love.

'But dying is out of the question!' called out Humungously Hotshot. 'Princess Tantrum would be so upset. We must get out of here at all costs.' 'Easier said than done. And even if by some miracle we were to get out of here, who is she going to marry?' Hiccup pointed out. All the Fiancés together: 'ME!' 'Well she can't marry all of you,' Hiccup said. 'Hang on a second… How many cages away are you, Humungous? One, two, three… HUMUNGOUS! You must be the Fiancé-Before-the-Fiancé-Before-Last! Congratulations!' 'I suppose I must,' admitted Humungously Hotshot. 'And thank you. What does that mean?' 'Princess Tantrum said the Fiancé she was in LOVE with was the Fiancé-Before-the-Fiancé-Before- Last,' explained Hiccup. Humungous coughed modestly. 'I suspected she might be,' he said. 1st Fiancé: 'Well, that's a bit of a blow.' 6th Fiancé: 'You mean… considering we're all about to be fed to the Beast and everything?' 3rd Fiancé: 'Yes, I think it's pretty gutting really… I spent a lot of time on that love poetry, I really did, it was soppy as anything.'