16 Land Ahoy!

16. LAND AHOY!!!!!! A storm was brewing. Ominous clouds were building up in the skies above, like a god with a headache, and the boat was already beginning to rock beneath their feet as the swell grew larger, and the wind picked up. Suddenly, there was a great flash of lightning that lit up the sky. Hiccup could see distinctly in that sudden flash the black back of the great Sea-dragon on the horizon. And just as the lightning struck, there was a great gleeful cry of JOY from the lookout on the first mast: 'NUTJOB-LAND AHO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-Y!!!!!!!!!' And the Hysterics rushed to the edge of the boat, jostling and trampling and elbowing each other out of the way. They wanted to be the first to catch a glimpse of that glorious, mythical, land, that mysterious place they called 'America'. That first sighting was just as wonderful as they could possibly have imagined. Above them, the storm was breaking, and rain poured down on their heads, as the ship bucked up and down on the back of the plunging waves.

But on the horizon, the long grey smudge of land that seemed to stretch infinitely from west to east was bathed in sunshine under the bluest of blue skies. America. The land of dreams, it really did exist, and in that wonderful moment, it was just as it should be. No sooner had Norbert clapped eyes on this country that he had waited so long, and journeyed so far, to find, that he drew his axe in order to exact an old revenge.

'Now, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third,' grinned Norbert the Nutjob, with the light of triumph glowing in his manic eye, 'I have no need of YOU any more… and now you will feel the sharp end of the Axe of Doom… PREPARE TO DIE!' Hiccup leapt up on to a barrel so that everyone could see him. 'DON'T KILL ME JUST BECAUSE I'M A RED-HEAD, NORBERT!' shouted Hiccup as loud as he could.

The Hysterics crowded at the ship's rail turned around. 'What's going on?' asked Verociously Violent, whose hair was a great shock of scarlet, flaming like a fiery furnace. 'What are you talking about?' blustered Norbert. 'NORBERT, HERE, DOESN'T WANT ANY RED-HEADS TO BE LIVING IN THE PROMISED LAND!' yelled Hiccup. 'HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL WITH HIS AXE OF DOOM!' It just so happened that, by coincidence, quite a lot of the red-headed members of the Hysteric Tribe had suffered at the hands of Norbert's wild temper and his experiments. (For instance, Norbert had sent Verociously Violent and Goggle-eyes the Gory up in the air to try out his Flying Machine experiment TWENTY-SEVEN TIMES, and every single time, the Flying Machine had crashed into the sea two minutes after it took off.) So the red-heads drew their swords with an angry rumble of revolt. For their part, the Hysterics with blond hair had always had a secret feeling of superiority. Now that Norbert had brought it up, what could be better than a whole Tribe of blonds, storming into the Future, hair brighter than the cornfields?

So they too drew their swords, and within a couple of seconds, to Norbert's open-mouthed amazement, the entire Tribe of Hysteric Warriors were fighting each other as if they were desperate enemies. It was a terrible battle indeed. Thor's thunder rolled out across the black and angry stormclouds, and great jagged splinters of lightning cracked open the skies and punched down on to the swelling seas all around them. Huge frothing waves spilled over the sides of the boat and across the deck, upsetting the combatants as they fought in the drenching rain. Camicazi joined Hiccup in fighting Norbert. 'YOU, Norbert,' teased Camicazi, 'have the mental capacity of a jellyfish with a lobotomy. You have the leadership skills of a lemming with a learning difficulty. You couldn't run an Empire larger than my toilet without making a complete dog's breakfast of it… which is a bit of a problem for a dictator…' Hiccup lunged forward with a Left-handed Heartseeker, and Norbert was so distracted by Camicazi's insults that he only just parried it in time. And while he was occupied with the parry, Camicazi leapt in and tickled him under the armpits. 'Oooh, nice muscles, Norbert, have you been working out?'

With a howl of fury, Norbert shook her off, and Camicazi sprang backwards, and ducked his furious swing of the axe. 'Temper, temper…' she scolded, and so mad with rage was Norbert that he didn't even see Hiccup's Twirling Double-Point until it removed the bottom half of his beard, and meanwhile, Camicazi sneaked in under his left arm, and stole the ticking-thing from out of his pocket, cutting the rope that tied it to Norbert's wrist. 'Is this yours?' asked Camicazi, dangling the ticking-thing in front of him.