14 What Happened Back in the Murderous Mountains

14. WHAT HAPPENED BACK IN THE MURDEROUS MOUNTAINS Several weeks earlier, back in the Murderous Mountains, it looked like Madguts would have the glory of being Last Man Back. He lasted for forty-one hours out there in the water, which, even when covered with a thin layer of Deepest Purple Fleshfang Oil, is an almost superhuman feat. He was greeted by a cheering crowd of Viking Tribesmen on the Long Beach as he strode out of the waves, arms held above his head in victory, Gumboil trotting a few steps in front of him. The Chief Judge, the sad little Bashem-Oik, rushed up the beach to meet Madguts. He gave him a golden medal, and a pipe that Madguts jammed between his lips as he made a Victory Lap of the Beach, acknowledging the cheering. Gumboil bowed towards the Inter-Tribal Friendly Swimming Race Committee. 'My Master greets the Judges, and claims the Victory of being the Last Man Back in this Swimming Contest. And as Last Man Back, according to the Rules, he may make a single

demand of the losing Chieftains, Stoick and Bertha.' Poor Stoick was sitting with his head in his hands. Stoick was not a natural worrier, but he was now terribly concerned about the fate of his son, Hiccup. Now he got to his feet and roared, 'But Hiccup is not back! My son may yet return and claim the prize himself!' It was a desperate hope, but Stoick was clinging to it. Madguts grinned an unpleasant grin with not enough teeth in it. He whispered in his assistant's ear. 'My Master points out, respectfully,' Gumboil bowed in the direction of Stoick and Bertha, 'that Stoick's son, Hiccup, Bertha's daughter, Camicazi, and the odd looking boy they call Fishlegs, are most likely to have DROWNED in the very first hours of the Competition…' 'NO!' bellowed Stoick, with an anger born of fear. The Inter-Tribal Friendly Swimming Race Committee nodded wisely and sadly to each other. It did seem likely at this point. 'This is true,' admitted the Chief Judge solemnly. 'For Snotface Snotlout here reports that he and Dogsbreath the Duhbrain saw Hiccup and the other two in difficulties. He tried to help them…'

'We did our best,' said Snotlout, sorrowfully and nobly, 'but we were swept away by the force of the current, weren't we, Dogsbreath?' Dogsbreath grunted, and removed his helmet out of respect for the dead. 'It's a tragedy,' sighed Snotlout. 'Hiccup was like a brother to me…' Stoick gave a groan of sadness, terrible to hear, and turned away. 'Don't worry, Stoick, my dear chap,' Bertha comforted him awkwardly. 'Camicazi is with him, and, trust me, she always turns up all right… She could escape from Valhalla itself…' 'And so Madguts demands his prize,' smiled Gumboil silkily. 'And he demands… the kingdoms of Stoick and Bertha, who should be taken immediately from this beach, and up to the Sky Burial Place on the clifftops to be sacrificed to the Sky Dragons!'

'Whaaaaaaaat?' roared the Hooligans and the Bog-Burglars in fury. Uproar on the beach. 'But… but… but this is outrageous!' stuttered Bertha. 'He can't ask for that!' 'I hope you're not going to go back on your word, Bertha,' Gumboil wagged a warning finger at the apoplectic Bog-Burglar Chief. 'Don't be such a bad sport. I am presuming that if YOU had won, you would have expected Madguts to do YOUR bidding…' 'This is just a Friendly Swimming Race! We were only going to ask for Madguts to cross the Sullen Sea in a bathtub with his underpants on his head!' yelled Bertha indignantly. 'More fool you,' smiled Gumboil. Madguts is only asking what Stoick's ancestor, Grimbeard the Ghastly, asked of Madguts' ancestor, way back in the bad old days…' Old Wrinkly had been trying to interrupt for some time. He got to his feet and cleared his throat. 'A small technical point, Your Wheeziness,' said Old Wrinkly to the Chief Judge. 'Let me tell again that story from the bad old days, the Saga of Grimbeard the Ghastly and the Swimming Race. Just in case there are some people here who do not know it.'

The saga of GRIMBEARD THE GHASTLY and the SWIMMING RACE Grimbeard the Ghastly was Stoick's great-great-grandfather, a wicked, successful pirate who became the last King of the Archipelago. One day, Murderous the Magnificent challenged Grimbeard the Ghastly to a swimming race, and the two chiefs agreed the winner should be granted a single demand. So one cold morning they set out from the Western Beach of the Murderous Mountains. Murderous the Magnificent finally swam back to the same beach in seventy- one hours and forty-two minutes, nearly three days in total. His face had swollen to twice the size and his body was so covered in wrinkles he looked like he had been pickled in the brine. The Hooligan Tribe waited on the beach hoping and hoping for their chief to return. After a week, they accepted that he must have drowned, and conceded the victory to the Murderous Tribe. Murderous the Magnificent claimed the Kingdom of the Archipelago, and that, everybody thought, was the end of the matter. However, three months later, Murderous the Magnificent was conducting a night-time banquet on that very same beach. The highlight of the banquet was the human sacrifice under the stars. Just before the sacrifice took place, Grimbeard the

Ghastly came staggering out of the surf. He was barely recognisable. Half-human, half-monster, with skin like a dragon, all entwined with seaweed, and he had shark's teeth around his calves like bracelets. Grimbeard the Ghastly staggered up the beach and collapsed. Murderous the Magnificent raised up his sword to kill what he thought was some kind of demon… then he saw that the monster was wearing around its waist Grimbeard the Ghastly's famous sword, the Stormblade! The next words that Grimbeard spoke, as he lay gasping for breath on the sand, can be repeated proudly by every Hooligan schoolboy, so well-known are they: 'Stay your hand, Murderous the Magnificent. I am no ghost. It is I, Grimbeard the Ghastly, who have the Greatest Stomach after all. I have survived the Open Ocean, by the will of Thor, without seeking aid from float or boat, I am the last man back, and I am come to claim my Kingdom for the Hooligan Tribe!' I am afraid that Grimbeard the Ghastly, who was not a nice man, then insisted as his demand that Murderous the Magnificent should be sacrificed to the Sky Dragons. The Annual Inter-Tribe Swimming Race has been held every year in memory of this historical event, but over the years it has become more of a friendly competition.