3 Stoick Fails to See the Funny Side

3. STOICK FAILS TO SEE THE FUNNY SIDE At this bad moment, Stoick the Vast stomped into the room. Hiccup's father, Stoick the Vast, O Hear His Name and Tremble, Ugh, Ugh, was the Chief of the Tribe of the Hairy Hooligans. He had a belly like a battleship, a beard like a hedgehog struck by lightning, a good heart but a short temper, and he was already in a very bad mood. Camicazi's mother, Big-Boobied Bertha, the Chief of the Bog-Burglars, had said some very harsh, jeering words about the Hooligan performance in the Burglary Competition. 'YOU HOOLIGANS COULDN'T BURGLE YOUR WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG!' Big- Boobied Bertha had bellowed in between laughing herself silly, and those unkind words had stung Stoick, who couldn't resist a challenge, particularly one set by Big-Boobied Bertha herself. Stoick bet her two of his finest axes that he could prove BY THE END OF THE DAY that Hooligans were just as good at Burglary as Bog-Burglars. Bertha had accepted, they

had bumped bellies on the bet. And that was that. And it had a lot to do with why Hiccup was hanging so precariously in the Library as you will see. Stoick was now wondering if this had been wise. Bog-Burglars, you see, were so very good at Burglary. All in all, Stoick wasn't in the best of moods to find his brand-new throne had been burnt to a crisp. 'AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!' screamed Stoick the Vast, tearing his beard out. 'MY FAVOURITE THRONE DESTROYED!'' 'It's not destroyed, Sir,' said Fishlegs quickly, thinking on his feet. 'It's just a little black around the edges… it adds a sort of lived-in, uncivilised feel to it, you know, and that's all the rage in Viking furniture right now.' Stoick calmed down slightly. 'Look!' said Fishlegs, shaking the chair enthusiastically, 'it still works as a CHAIR, it's just got a new feel to it.' Stoick rubbed his beard thoughtfully. Fishlegs patted the seat of the chair. 'Come on!' encouraged Fishlegs. 'Let's see how you look on it.' Stoick the Vast lowered his great bottom into the chair and Fishlegs stood back.

'Bravo!' clapped Fishlegs. 'So barbaric! You are the very MODEL of a modern Viking General…' 'You think so?' asked Stoick, flexing his muscles. He did look rather good actually, a great six-and-a-half-foot Viking Chieftain with a beard like an erupting bird's nest in this huge, burnt-out ruin of a throne, all twisted and blackened and still smoking slightly. 'Oh yes!' gushed Fishlegs. 'You're a vision from Valhalla! His Scariness Stoick the Vast, Most High Chieftain of the Hairy Hooligan Tribe, O Hear His Name and Tremble, Ugh, Ugh, at his most frightening… Primitive! Magnificent! Terri–' The left back leg of the throne shivered and collapsed. His Scariness Stoick the Vast, Most High Chieftain of the Hairy Hooligan Tribe, O Hear His Name and Tremble, Ugh, Ugh, fell to the floor with a crash that shook the house to its rafters. There was a nasty pause. Fishlegs opened his mouth–I'm not sure how even Fishlegs was going to talk them out of this one. But Camicazi spoilt it anyway. Most people would be far too scared to laugh at the Chief of the Hairy Hooligans, but unfortunately

Bog-Burglars aren't afraid of anything. Camicazi LAUGHED SO HARD she nearly fell over. Stoick leapt to his feet with a quickness surprising in someone who was built like a bull on a body-building programme. Stoick lost his temper. And when a Hooligan loses his temper, he really loses it. 'SILENCE!' roared Stoick. 'HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT ME, YOU MINUSCULE LITTLE FEMALE MARSH-MEDDLER?' It was at this moment that he realised that the minuscule little female marsh-meddler was holding a rather smart pair of hairy underpants that looked strangely familiar… Thunderbolts of Thor! She'd had the sheer Bog-Burglar cheek to snaffle his smalls! Swelling up like an infuriated baboon, he snatched the furry pants. 'AND HOW DARE YOU NICK THE KNICKERS OF THE CHIEF OF THE HAIRY HOOLIGAN TRIBE!' roared Stoick the Vast. 'It was a pick-pocketing competition,' grinned Camicazi cheekily. 'In case you Hooligans hadn't noticed…' Although perfectly true, this wasn't a remark that was likely to put Stoick in a better frame of mind.

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