18 Why No One Steals from Madguts

18. WHY NO ONE STEALS FROM MADGUTS Madguts gestured towards his henchman, Gumboil, who always did his talking for him. 'Madguts is interested to hear, Bertha,' sneered Gumboil, while everybody gave a horrified gasp and tried not to breathe in too deeply, 'that you feel there are some people it would be unwise to nick things from. Because he would have thought that he would be one of those people.' 'Oh, you are, Madguts,

you are,' Bertha assured him, keeping a wary eye on that sword. Now, Big-Boobied Bertha was a frightening woman whose gigantic breasts and super-strong sword-arm were the Terror of the Archipelago. However, even those Boobies knew when they were beaten, and they drooped in a depressed way as Bertha, tough but not all that BRIGHT, searched for a convincing explanation as to what exactly she was doing with Madguts's Stealth Dragon. Gumboil carried on. 'Anybody who steals from Madguts has the most unpleasant fate of being taken to the Ugli-thug Slavelands… or sacrificed to Sky Dragons, depending on whether Madguts is in a merciful mood. What are you doing with Madguts's Stealth Dragon, Big-Boobied Bertha?' Bertha had been trying to stand between

Madguts and the Stealth Dragon, in the pathetic hope that Madguts would not notice it, but on seeing its Master, the Stealth Dragon had leapt to its feet, and slunk to Madguts's side. 'SIT!' barked Gumboil, and the Stealth Dragon instantly sat. 'You see?' whispered Toothless in the Stormfly's ear. 'He's a real goody-goody!' 'He is, isn't he?' replied Stormfly disapprovingly. She sighed. 'And he's working for a real baddy-baddy… baddy... a very STINKY baddy-baddy at that… I can't think WHAT I saw in him…' 'Well, Bertha?' said Gumboil, as Madguts toyed with his axe. 'What is your answer?' There was a nasty silence. Hiccup gave a tactful cough. 'Um, Chief Murderous, sir,' he said politely, 'I think you might be making a little mistake here…' Madguts the Murderous frowned thunderously. 'Very understandable, I'm sure,' said Hiccup, hurriedly, 'but this is not what it looks like. Me and my friends have just been stealing a book from the Meathead Public Library, and the person who chased us on the back of this Stealth Dragon, and who must have stolen it in the first place, was not Big-Boobied

Bertha but the Hairy Scary Librarian…' Hiccup pointed to the prone and squashed figure of the Hairy Scary Librarian. He was still alive, but gently slumbering in the heather. '…Big-Boobied Bertha was in the middle of arresting him when you arrived.' 'Brilliant…' whispered Camicazi under her breath. 'That's brilliant… for a boy of course…' The Hairy Scary Librarian would have hotly denied this charge, but the Hairy Scary Librarian was in no condition to deny anything, as he slumbered peacefully on, out for the count. 'In fact,' continued Hiccup, 'you should really be thanking Big-Boobied Bertha here, because the moment she clapped eyes on the creature, she knew that such a splendid Secret Weapon could only belong to a magnificent Murderous Chieftain such as yourself, sir–which is why she squashed him. Isn't that right, Bertha?' 'Oh, ah… yes,' said Big-Boobied Bertha hurriedly, 'that's absolutely right.' Everybody held their breaths as Madguts the Murderous looked from Hiccup to Big-Boobied Bertha to the slumbering Librarian, from out of his mean blue eyes, as cold and cruel as the ocean itself.

He chewed thoughtfully on his knuckle-bone for a moment or two, and then he advanced towards Bertha with his terrifying sword gleaming in his hand. Bertha raised her head bravely, for a Bog-Burglar laughs in the face of death, and looked Madguts straight in the eye as she waited for the final blow… …And to her astonishment, Madguts GAVE her the sword. And then Madguts leaned over, spat in the heather, and motioned to his henchman. He grunted something in the Gumboil's ear, and then, without a word, he climbed up on to the Stealth Dragon's back,

and the beautiful creature sprang into the air, turning in an instant from as green as the heather to as blue as the sky, and was gone. 'Madguts gives you his sword in thanks for your services in capturing the fool who tried to steal his Stealth Dragon,' sneered Gumboil. 'He seems to believe your story… I don't, mind you, but Madguts is the boss. GUARDS!' screamed the Gumboil, removing the Heart-Slicers from the Librarian's sword- belt, and adding them to his own. 'TAKE THIS DOZY LIBRARIAN OFF TO THE UGLI-THUG SLAVELANDS!' The Guards snapped to attention, and one of their dragons took the limp body of the unconscious Librarian in-between its claws and flew off with it towards the west. The Hairy Scary Librarian would wake up many hours later, deep in the heart of the Ugli-thug Slavelands, rather thinner than he was before, and with a thumping headache, and his temper would not be improved once he realised where he was. Lest there are any soft-hearted readers out there, who are worrying about his unjust fate, I should remind you that he was a singularly unpleasant character who had dispatched many an unfortunate