14 Madguts Will be Steaming Mad

14. MADGUTS WILL BE STEAMING MAD Stoick had a difficult afternoon of not finding things. Firstly he was looking for the How to Train Your Dragon book. Then he couldn't find his son, because he felt that maybe he had been a little crosser than he should have been, particularly given that it was Hiccup's birthday. But both book and son had vanished into thin air, even though he had sent half the Tribe all over Berk looking for them. As the sun began to sink that evening, Big-Boobied Bertha stomped into his Chiefly Hut, with a confident smirk on her face. The mighty bosoms of Big-Boobied Bertha had killed many a Warrior in mortal combat. She was a great monster of a woman, who closely resembled a Woolly Mammoth in a dress, and even in a one-on-one social situation she tended to bellow at the top of her fog-horn voice, as if she was trying to be heard by troops at the other end of a large-ish battlefield. 'So this is where you're hiding, is it, Stoick, you old Warthog?' she yelled cheerfully, giving him a playful tug on the whiskers that made him bristle furiously.

'Hoping you can skulk in here till I'll forget about the bet, are you? Well, I haven't. It's the end of the day, your time's up, and I hope you're ready to give me those axes. Where's your proof that you lettuce- hearted, rabbit-brained, butter-fingered Hooligans are better at burglary than us Bog-Burglars?' Stoick's chest swelled with indignation. 'We Hooligans are the finest Burglars in the world!' he yelled, punching his fist in the air. 'One of my Warriors, Gobber the Belch, has stolen a book from the Meathead Public Library, from right under the nose of the Hairy Scary Librarian! An act of Burglary and Bravery of the highest order!' 'Not bad, not bad,' whistled Bertha. 'I wouldn't have thought that that great lumbering sack of potatoes had it in him.' She looked cheerfully round the room. 'So, where is it then?' 'What?' asked Stoick, playing for time. 'The book, man, the book! The book that your Gobber-with-the-face-like-a-hippopotamus-thatsomebody-trod-on has fluke-ily snaffled from that loon the Librarian. Where is it?' Stoick's chest deflated a little. 'Ah, yes, well, that's what I can't quite understand. I had the book in this very room only this morning, but now it seems to

have completely disappeared. It's most extraordinary. I'm afraid you're going to have to take my word for it…' Big-Boobied Bertha hadn't heard such a good joke in ages. She laughed so hard the tears ran down her beard and she could barely stand up. 'HA! HA! HA! HA!' roared Big-Boobied Bertha. 'Oh that's a good one! You stole the book and then you seem to have lost it, is that what you're saying?' jeered Bertha. 'Fiddlesticks and tadpole tails! You never HAD this book you're boasting about because you hopeless Hooligans couldn't burgle berries from a baby!' Stoick wondered whether to hit her. 'Never mind, Stoick,' boomed Bertha, giving him a friendly dig in the ribs, 'even if you HAD stolen that silly little book of yours, you wouldn't have won the bet anyway. Come and see what I stole from Madguts the Murderous only yesterday… Follow me…' Muttering rude words under his breath to the great god Thor, Stoick followed Bertha's bossy departing bottom all the way to the Dragon Stables. Bertha stopped outside a particularly large stable door, and began to undo the bolts. 'I hope you don't mind that I borrowed an empty stable of yours to put it in… this will show you what a REAL burglar can do…'

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Bertha flung open the door dramatically. 'Feast your eyes on that, Stoick the Vast! A real, live, top-of-the-range Stealth Dragon, stolen from under the very nose of that bird-brain, Madguts the Murderous, by my own fair hands!' 'Thumbnails of Thor!' exclaimed Stoick, forgetting his fury, he was so impressed. 'Madguts will be steaming mad!' 'Pooh!' boasted Bertha proudly, if unwisely. 'Us Bog-Burglars aren't scared of THAT idiotic stinkpot!' Stoick peered into the stable. 'But… but… but Bertha, there's nothing there…' Bertha chuckled. 'Yes, well, that's what makes them a Secret Weapon, you see,' she explained kindly. 'The Stealth Dragon is so well camouflaged, it is practically invisible…' 'No, really,' said Stoick, walking from one end of the stable to another, 'there really is NOTHING HERE.' Bertha blundered into the stable, her hands in front of her, trying to feel for a not-only-invisible-butabsolutely-NOT-THERE Stealth Dragon. It took three turns around the stable to convince her that the dragon had vanished. 'Well bother my bunions!' exclaimed Big- Boobied Bertha. 'It's completely disappeared!'

Stoick began to laugh. 'It was here this morning! Large as life and as transparent as glass!' protested Bertha. 'Oh, yes,' jeered Stoick, laughing like a drain, 'invisible dragons, my belly-button! That's a good one, Bertha, that's a good one! I'll give you a couple of invisible axes in return for winning the bet!' Big-Boobied Bertha turned purple as a blueberry and clenched her fists. The two of them were so engrossed in their disagreement that they did not notice a tall, thin figure creeping up behind them. 'Both of you hold your hands above your heads and come slowly out of the stable!' barked a hissing croak of a voice.