10 A MEETING OF THE THING

10. A MEETING OF THE THING The Thing was a real step forward for the Viking Tribes. It took place in a gigantic circular dip on the slopes of Huge Hill. Steps had been cut into the dip to make an enormous amphitheater, and heather grew on the steps, which normally made them springy and comfy to sit on, but unfortunately due to circumstances beyond the organizers' control, this heather had recently been burned to a cinder. Everybody had to leave their weapons in a large heap before they entered the amphitheater, just in case discussions got heated. There was Madguts the Murderous, deep in discussion with Mogadon the Meathead, and his son Thuggory. Norbert the Nutjob, Chief of the Hysterics, fiddling nervously with his beard because he'd had to leave his axe outside so he didn't know

what to do with his hands. Grabbit the Grim was there, trying to hide from Big-Boobied Bertha because he'd rustled some of her reindeer a couple of months ago, and the sledgehammer fists and breathquenching breasts of Big-Boobied Bertha were the Terror of the Archipelago. There was Deadlydog Dullard getting into a fistfight with Megalugs Mountain because Megalugs had laughed at his rather bright yellow leggings. And there was Camicazi, Big-Boobied Bertha's tiny, tangle-haired daughter, gently pouring Itchyworms into the back of Grabbit's trousers without him even noticing, in secret retaliation for the reindeer-rustling incident mentioned earlier. All around and above were the Vikings' dragons, snapping at each other, shrieking, tripping people up by running through their legs, and having to be pulled apart by their owners as they got into dragon fights. And right in the front row of this arguing, shouting, muscle-bound mess, sat Stoick the Vast, his chest puffed up with importance, swelling with pride and dignity. Before him was a small plinth, and sitting on the plinth was the Fire-Stone. And HE, Stoick the Vast, had stolen this Stone with his own fat hands, which made HIM the Big

Man at this event. The Thing couldn't take place without the Stone. You had to be holding the Stone in order to speak, so that everybody didn't all talk at once. The Hairy Scary Librarian blew the bugle. He took the golden Fire-Stone in his ancient old hands. "WOULD THE PLAYERS PLEASE TAKE THEIR PLACES ON THE FIELD!" he wheezed. The finest Warriors from every Tribe strode forward, flexing their muscles. The amphitheater exploded with noise as everybody sitting round about on the sooty seating yelled in support of their own Tribe. "GO MEATHEADS GO!" "KILL 'EM BASHEM-OIKS KILL 'EM!" "VISI-THUGS, VISI-THUGS, VISITHUGS!" etc., etc., etc. The Hairy Scary Librarian blew the bugle again and threw the Fire-Stone in the air. All heck broke loose, with the Warriors on the field pushing and shoving each other out of the way to get underneath it, and the supporters on the benches shouting at the top of their lungs and barely able to control themselves from storming on to the pitch to join in. Shortlegs of Glum had the slightly doubtful glory of catching the Stone. And then both Shortlegs and the Fire-Stone

disappeared into a yelling scrum of muscly arms and legs and tattooed fists. Stoick the Vast waited casually some way away, hovering near the plinth, confident that his Warriors would pull it out of the bag for him. And, sure enough, after a few minutes, the hand of Gobber the Belch emerged from out of the heaving mass, chucking the Stone toward the larger of the Vicious Twins, who threw a long pass to Stoick the Vast... who dodged out of the way of Mogadon the Meathead, belly-charged Madguts the Murderous, caught the Stone in one fat hand, and touched it down on the plinth. "TOUCH-DOOOOOOOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled the happy Hooligans. "EVERYBODY QUIET! STOICK! STO-ICK! STO-ICK!" Now the Rules of the Thing said that everybody had to stay ABSOLUTELY STILL and silent while they listened to Stoick. The heaving mass of the scrum had to stay absolutely as they were, legs and arms not-so-lovingly intertwined, while Stoick had his say. Stoick the Vast, holding the Stone, cleared his throat importantly and began to speak. "Friends, Enemies, and Fellow Barbarians!" bellowed Stoick the Vast. "We are all facing a

Common Enemy today, an Enemy not seen in our Lands for hundreds and hundreds of years. These Extermi-whatsits are coming, and apparently there are a few of them. SHOULD WE FLEE LIKE THOSE COWARDLY BUNNY RABBITS THE LAVA-LOUTS?" "NOOOOOOO!" bellowed the Vikings, drumming their feet on the incinerated heather. (You were allowed to reply, when asked a question.) "Could you repeat that?" asked Shortlegs of Glum, from the very bottom of the scrum, for Grabbit's elbow was nestling in his ear-hole, and he couldn't hear a thing. "I SAY WE FIGHT!" screamed Stoick the Vast. "ARE YOU WITH ME?" "YAAAAAAAAY!" yelled everybody happily back at him. "ARE WE THE KIND OF PEOPLE TO LET A PIDDLY LITTLE THING LIKE A TINY VOLCANIC ERUPTION GET US DOWN?" asked Stoick the Vast at full volume. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled back the Vikings. "YOU BET YOUR BARNACLES WE AREN'T!" yelled Stoick the Vast. "FOR WE ARE BARBARIANS, AND THE THING ABOUT BARBARIANS IS, WE NEVER SURRENDER! CAN YOU SING IT OUT FOR US

BARBARIANS, GUYS?" All the Vikings jumped to their feet and sang their hearts out, with Stoick conducting the chorus, the Stone held like a Bashyball in one fat hand only: "RULE BARBARIANS, BARBARIANS RULE THE WAVES... VI-KINGS NEVER EVER EVER SHALL BE SLAVES..." Hiccup and Humungous had arrived at The Thing just after the second bugle had sounded, and Humungous was watching the proceedings with his mouth gently open. Here was a version of democracy that he had never even dreamed of. "OK," whispered Hiccup, "my father's minute is nearly up. I want you to go and hover near the plinth, Humungous, and get ready to touch-down the Stone..." "Righty-ho," said Humungous, elegantly flexing his humungous biceps. This looked like his sort of game. Hiccup sidled up to Camicazi, who was cheering on the Bog-Burglars. Camicazi was a friend of his, despite the fact that she belonged to another Tribe. "Camicazi, can you do me a favor, and sneak into the scrum and pinch the Stone for me next time they blow the bugle?" Hiccup asked.